Saturday, September 5, 2009

Something Personal... Something Fictious...

I do not know how many of you can comprehend this post… Well.. even if you don’t, it doesn’t matter….


It’s a confession… but the whole of it.. I cant say its true.. its partly facts n partly fiction…

But whatever I have written, has touched my heart…


Prologue :


We were friends… friends??? Friends in wat sense…

Friends in the sense tht I cud tel u anything… yes… anything and everything…

Class mates… yes, even more than that, I thought we were BEST friends...

The only person I ve truly and sincerely called a best friend in my life was you… I had friends.. yeah many…But none ever like you…

U were not like the others… U were there for me… anytime I wanted you… You offered me support, courage, confidence… strength… and a shoulder to lean on whenever I wanted to just cry out… Even though you hated it when I cry, U used to let me cry… jus let me get my feelings out… you let me shout at you… I loved u for that…you made me feel secure… I was always comfortable with you…than with anyone else…I dint even need a reason to call you…U were always available.. 24/7... for me...


Many a time I d wished You were a girl.. But now I know…. A girl could have never been the same… in fact, no one could ever have been you…

You were sarcastic.. Oh yes, U were.. Your words were dipped in sarcasm… But I got used to it.. I never minded it… and later in life, if it were missing, I used to worry…

You hated it if I adviced you… Well, u were not the Perfect guy...

I tried to tell you… I tried to make you understand… you never cared…

One day I stopped saying tht…coz I knew it was of no use

And then I wondered if I had the right to tell u all tht???

But I heeded all your words… they have always done me good… always…

I started taking your side…everywhere… I used to speak for you.... support you… your decisions…

People asked me what I saw in you???

I didn’t know…

I jus knew that you meant a lot to me…


I needed your presence in my life….to get me going…

I wanted your support… and I though I was being selfish…

Asking more from you than I actually should…


But what I didn’t know was that u needed me more….

U never told me that…

U never told me what I meant to you….

I was too late in realizing that….


Chapter 1


The day I said …

I think I m falling in love….


I should have understood…


But your voice didn’t break…

Your tone didn’t change…

Or maybe it did…

Maybe its just that I didn’t notice…

I was too busy worrying over my matters to think of how you were taking it…


U acted as if you were happy… You dint say a word…

even then…You supported my decisions.. U promised to help me out…


I was infatuated with someone… I thought it was love...

I was being foolish and you allowed me to…


…. U were hurting within.. but you didn’t let me know….

I was a fool not to see it….


Chapter 2


The day you proposed….


The day you said… U couldn’t live without me… I thought you were kidding…

I really did.. I swear… and at 18… I was naïve…or maybe I was plain stupid..


I shouted at you…

I told you… You don’t love me… You jus need me…

How could you ever say this to me???

Why are you so intent on spoiling everything???

I can never see you as a life partner….

Don’t ever say this to me again…


Was I right in doing that???

I still do not know…

The days you spent hurting after that… I didn’t know how you felt…

I didn’t bother to find out…

As far as I was concerned, I had done the right thing….


Chapter 3


I missed you.. I missed you like Hell.. But I was too chicken to admit it…

When I finally had the courage to tell you.. You said its coz I needed you….. as time moves on, I would find some one to take your place…

You were wrong….

And then I went one step further…my final step..

I said I was ready… ready for you if that’s what you wanted… I just wanted to see you happy… I said I ll live with you… But I could not bring myself to say that I was in love with you…

I liked you a lot.. I cared for you even more…


But you didn’t want that…

You said.. you will never force me to do anything I didn’t actually want…

You said.. I shouldn’t do this for you..

If I was doing something, It must be for myself…


Chapter 4


You went out of my life then…

One fine morning..

I woke up to realize

That you weren’t there anymore…

It hurt a lot then…

Hurt more than I thought It would…


It broke my heart…

But then I thought … I was jus missing a friend….

A friend… who meant a lot to me…

However hard I tried, I could not bring myself to spend a day without thinking of you…

I missed you… But I didn’t want to bother you again…I thought I would be just encouraging your feelings…and I didn’t want that… maybe coz I was scared…


I still belived that I was not in love with you.. N I never could be..

Y did I feel so??? I do not know….


Chapter 5


Years passed…..

You ask me…

What is it that I lacked that made you choose another over me????

I had no answer…. I still have none…

I want you back in my life… but as what I still do not know…

You do not tell me U love me.. But I know you love me still…

Coz the love you felt for me was true… I realize that now…


AND…

And Maybe… I did love you too…


But its too late for that now, isnt it???


Epilogue:


I realize that the tiny thread that runs between friendship and love is in fact just imaginary… You can look over it if you want…

I was stubborn… I didn’t want to see it from any other angle…

I was being selfish…

I didn’t want to lose my friend…


OR

Maybe…


Maybe… I was waiting…

Waiting for some one better…


to come along and brighten up my life...

42 comments:

blunt edges said...

ahem ahem...a very personal post that!

the "falling-in-luv-with-the-best-friend" syndrome...we all have been through it...and its most confusing coz u never know when friendship becomes luv!!!

a honest post! :D

Lakshmi said...

Yeah... its very honest...n straight frm my heart...

Neha said...

we all r silly in our teen-age...and you penned it down beautifully here...lovely and honest post...I could relate to this one myself as I have also gone thru the same feeling...eventually, my that best friend became my boyfriend and we broke up 4 years later...because, for friendship, I overlooked that thread...

lovely write up..

Quest said...

I have also done a confession lately in my blog :D ;)

The whole write up represents the teenage life as a matter of plain fact :) isn't it?

VISHNU said...

a lot of us thrive on tht fine thread between friendship n love.. n so its a real line n not imaginary.. btw which is the fiction part??

Dhanya said...

Wow! Reading such a post from you the first time, Lakshmi! :) And I somehow connected a lot with it...

Lakshmi said...

Hi Neha... Thanks a lot...

@ Quest... teenage life, yes... now tht I m in my twenties.. tht seems like ages ago... :)

Lakshmi said...

@ Vishnu....
The fact tht u can overlook tht thread if u wish to..makes it imaginary.. those who wish to have it there, assume its there...jus like the equator.. it doesnt really exist, does it???

n the fiction part.. I was hoping no one would ask me that... there is not much fiction here, I din hav to make anything up...almost everything r facts...

Lakshmi said...

@ Dhanya.... Yeah.. true... I ve never done sumthin so personal before... My creativity levels were low for quite sum time... n I jus looked into my own life for inspiration... :)

The abstract scientist said...

I would take the first option, I would prefer to overlook the thin line. Yeah, teenage is difficult but everyone has to go through it. The more confused you are during that period the more clarity you possess later.

The abstract scientist said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
The abstract scientist said...

Check this out!! A very similar story penned by me.
http://wiseruminations.blogspot.com/2009/04/mind-of-her-own.html

Lakshmi said...

Hey AS...
I ve read ur post n commented on it..
as far as mine is concerned, I loved what u said... "The more confused you are during that period the more clarity you possess later"...
I find myself more confused as ever in my twenties though :P

VISHNU said...

lol..;)

The abstract scientist said...

Hi Lakshmi, I am confused too. But I am happy about it. Now dont ask me why, cos there is no other way to live.

HaRy!! said...

hmm quite a personal confession....luv readin these kinda posts.... think most of us wud hav been thru this phase :)!nice write..cya around here as well..tc

HaRy

Lakshmi said...

@ AS... I wish I wasnt this confused though :( Ur posts were awsm...

@ Hary.. Thank you... :)

Chip said...

lovely work ..u see this is why i read ur post.. u always amaze the heck out of me..

Chip said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Lakshmi said...

@ Chip... Glad u liked it... evn though U ve heard the detailed version of the story bout a million times...n thanx for bearing with me everytime I did tht... "hug"

buckingfastard said...

yea...dat thin line is totally imaginary...its sumthin we make up to keep dat person as ur closest frnd...coz u cant share things wid ur love as u can wid ur best frnd...

love is proud...and dats 1 thing i hate abt it

Lakshmi said...

@ BF... Exactly...there are some things which u really feel ur best friend would understand better.. i dunno how many others agree with me.. but its true.. I need my love, but i need a best friend too..They cannot be the same :)

N yeah...a very unusual name.. i liked tht..;)

bliss said...

that was a great post!!!! cud relate to some bits of it myself.... the part i cud relate to was the terrible pain wen a friend goes away and though you yearn for them every waking and sometimes sleeping moments too, u cant really do much abt it,for each one's own reasons...

but for a feeling quite painful, u wrote tooo good!! :)

Lakshmi said...

Thank you Bliss... Yeah.. the pain...u never stop hurting within...

Shanu said...

Wow an extremely honest post..i cld connect to every word and I am sure a lot of ppl will too..Loved it :)

Lakshmi said...

Thanks a lot Shanu.... I m glad u loved it... :) :) :)

gayathri-vishwanathan said...

wow lakshmi...what a post...u have it in u 2 b a gr8 writer seriusly...very good..

Lakshmi said...

WOW... Thanks Gayathri... U made my day with this comment..Hell.. not day, u made my week... :D :D :D

Thanks a ton!!!

gkam said...

very honest Lakshmi
I too could relate somewhat

Only a few could actually write truly honest experiences about their life and reflect on it..

I commend ur courage! :)

Lakshmi said...

WOAH.. now thts the comment I ve been waiting for...

It did take me a lot of guts to put this out in the open.. I mean.. its my life... I jus wanted to see how ppl rate it..
I m a person who wud do such a crazy thing..i really dont know how n where i found the courage frm...
AND now.. I m glad i did it.. in a way, it makes me feel better... :)

Thanks a million Gauri... (muah...)

Mirage said...

oh my god, the last line... def hit a chord. 'maybe waiting for somebody better to come along'. i think most of us are afraid to even admit that, cuz we dont' want to sound superficial. but hey, i guess we all r superficial at some point or another...

n the thin line b/w frnship n love... soo true too! i can totally relate to the situation rite now. *sigh*

nice post :)

VISHNU said...

no new posts after this??
the wait contiues..

Lakshmi said...

@ Mirage...
Yeah true.. I realized tht when a frnd pointed out to me.. mayb i already knew it but i was not ready to admit it.. tht i was in fact, waiting for sumone better...
Glad u liked it.... :)

Lakshmi said...

@ Vishnu..
I m still gettin wonderful comments... so i thot i d wait for a little more time.. the fact is I havent got creative vibes for the last few days...

VISHNU said...

u dont have to be creative in ur evry post.. jus scribble sumthin.. neways.. u better post sumthin good after makin us wait so long..

Lakshmi said...

@ Vishnu...
Mayb another personal one.. ppl seem to be more interested in reading those.. mayb its coz they can relate to it...

The abstract scientist said...

when are we getting ur next post?

Bala said...

Lovely post Lakshmi!!!

I just love the way you depicted your feelings through words...

I think that you love that guy a lot... but for some reason, you are cheating yourself by naming it as friendship... as you said, you are just focussing on the soft thread b/w love n f'ship...

Wish good things happen in ur life forever!!!

Lakshmi said...

Thanks a lot Bala... n btb... it might do u good to read this again...

AND… And Maybe… I did love you too…
But its too late for that now, isnt it???

Its late.... too late for me to think of it....
But no regrets... coz I believe everything happens for one's own good.. :)

Bala said...

Gud Lakshmi!

Never regret for something until it did harm to someone. Everything is happening for a reason. Many times we get to know the reason late.

Like ur positive energy and optimism in ur thoughts!!!

Keep going buddy!

Lakshmi said...

@ Bala...
Hey... U had the patience to read all those posts??? coool... I appreciate tht...a lot... :D

Bala said...

@Lakshmi...

It cannot be called as patience... May be as ur posts are good to read, I have did that... Hope will continue doing it dude...