Thursday, September 17, 2009

The Letter [ Part I ]

A letter to someone… some one who meant a lot to her… at a certain point of her life…
She doesn’t know what he means to her now…
However hard she tries,
She cant define it…She knows a part of him still stays … deep inside her heart…like a frozen memory…
She takes care not to disturb it… once she tries to dust the old books on the topmost shelf of her heart.. (thts where all these memories lie..) memories of him lie…
If she tries to touch those… she knows what will be in store for her…
Sleepless nights… feelings of guilt , remorse… and maybe … maybe regret….
She doesn’t want that.. ever….
So she forgets… she tries her best to forget….n she moves on….


Dear …………

I met you for the first time when I was 18… well now thts not the right way to put it.. coz thts the only time we have ever met…. You were an year older, but none the wiser, I must say…
We met at a far off place… a camp… Of all the places… a camp… I still wonder sometimes … Y did God sent us both there??? Y did HE make us sit together???
Oh.. that night… I still remember it vividly… as if it was just yesterday… Me sitting beside you… we were not holding hands… but I felt closer to you … than I d ever been with anyone…
We just talked… for hours… 3 hours to be exact… and what did we talk of then… I have no idea… we talked of our lives… the past years… in 3 hours.. I felt as if I d known you for ages…
I felt happy.. happier than ever…
I felt as if I d just got a new toy… a toy I d never want to put down.. A toy I d love to play with for the rest of my life…
This was new to me… the feeling… my first encounter… with what people would call LOVE…
I did not know it was love…
I was naïve… foolish… and innocent….
I didn’t know how you felt bout me.. I didn’t feel the reason to ask.. I felt as if I could read your mind….

I loved looking into your eyes… when you talked to me…
I loved the way your eyes sparkled…looking into my eyes…
I loved the way you smiled…at me…
I loved the way we laughed together…
I loved whatever we shared…

The camp ended.. and we went off our ways…
With jus a handshake…
And a handful of memories…
But I didn’t know that they ……. Would last a lifetime…

We spoke…
( to the readers…well, lets jus assume cell phones existed then… and so did the internet… and mails…)
N got a lot more closer…
We got to know each other better….
The messages… the missed calls… the mails… the chats….

Life certainly seemed so much rosier then… I was all happy n glee…

Happy to have found a friend… a friend????
Were u merely a friend???
I do not know…
A soul mate… rather… N I got to know tht even if our lives were miles apart… even if we had a completely different circle of friends…there was absolutely nothing we had in common which could hold us together.... But.. we got along.. yes, wonderfully…

U were the first.. n mayb the only one to tel me.. Tht I made u feel complete…
U were the daring one…. Among us…
But evn u din dare to speak out the feelings.. which poked u like a needle...On those lonely nights… when evn aftr speakin for a long time, u felt like u still missed me.. I neednt say tht I felt the same.. u knew it…

We both were scared to give the feelings a name.. I for one, couldn’t even place wat they were.. I thought it was something magical.. something divine.. and I was right..to an extent…

It was magical.. it was divine… the relationship had no name….
N we din dare name it….


And then the day….
When you said.. You wished I could be yours forever…

I smiled…

And I asked you… what the hell do you mean???
"I ll be your friend for ever…You have my word"

Your answer surprised me...I thought we werent going to spoil things...I thought we had a mutual understanding... a silent pact...

If u still wanna call it Friendship, fine…
But what I feel for you is a lot more than friendship..
And u know it..
I know you can sense it…
Tell me.. Will u be mine???
Someday….
Tht did it….


The relationship progressed.. but in the reverse direction…
I began to ignore you…
I tried not to think of you..
I tried to forget you…
Well.. I tried to get over you…
It was hard… yes, it was..


But what would you know bout it???
You thought I had gotten over you.. n found someone else…
I do not blame you… ever…
I d have felt the same too….


I had tears.. tears in my eyes…
And I walked with a heavy heart…

But everytime I saw my mother…
I knew I d done the right thing…

I prayed , prayed a lot….
Those were the times I hated religion…
Coz I asked God only one little question…
Y did u hav to be born as a MUSLIM????
[ Now.. I do not want to raise any controversies… the girl in question is a well bred… Hindu girl from a conservative family… ]
Eventually, I d have to choose between my family and you..
You know I would surely choose my family….not because I love you less... but... because....

I cannot hurt them.. I really cant.. even if It means giving up the love of my life….

How much ever we say we ve progressed, How much ever we say the world has changed, we still live in a society.... I do not ever want people to say my parents didnt bring me up properly...
I do not ever want to see a drop of tear in my mother's eyes because of me...
coz then I would prove myself not worthy of becoming her daughter...

U can call me heartless… mayb I am.. but this Is what I chose…
I chose my family over you…


I know You will never read this letter…
But if in case you do…
I want you to know this…

I miss you when something really good happens, because you are the one I want to share it with. I miss you when something is troubling me, because you are the one who understands me so well. I miss you when I laugh and cry because I know that you are the one that makes my laughter grow and my tears disappear. I miss you all the time, but I miss you most when I lay awake at night and think of all the wonderful times we spent with each other; for those were some of the best times of my life.”

Mayb a part of me is still in love with you… it will do so for ever…
Maybe I ll rot in hell for what I ve done to you…
Maybe I was being a selfish bitch…
But I did what seemed right to me….

[ To the readers, the paragraph in blocks is plagiarised... its a wonderful quote...

and well... I must ask u this... Do you think she is justified in her actions??? ]

31 comments:

Neha said...

first of all, a very nice story...I loved the way u described emotions here...and the quote was awesome too...

my personal opinion on this story:

when such a situation arises, we have 2 options like u rightly said - either we choose our parents or we choose our loved one...so, either you look at the 25 years you have already spent or the 40 odd years u r gonna spend with ur partner...I know our parents brought us up, but seeing us happy our entire life will make them happy too right? then why not to go for the person you love?

again, this is my personal opinion, i m no expert in this case...tc :)

Chriz said...

the emotions were poured in the letter.. i wanna write a letter now..

sometimes i feel, being single is good.. but at the same time when i see love in the air, i wanna be there too

Quest said...

I wish long to have a heart that feels but the mind that thinks doesnt care a beat :D

"What is duly his, a man receives", ever come across this statement before?

Lakshmi said...

@ Neha..
Yeah sure, I appreciate the thought.. Thanks a lot.. n its true.. She did have those 2 options... mayb she was scared to take a risk.. What if her parents never forgive her???
She didnt want to live with the guilt...
:)

Lakshmi said...

@ Chriz... Now b4 i reply, lemme tell u this.. I always read ur blog n I think its awesome... :D
Its as if we know tht its best being single... but still we wait for the right person to come along so tht we could... just... fall in LOVE..
Its worth the pain...its worth the tears.. :)

Lakshmi said...

@ Quest.. now what do i say to u???
You, who claim to be heartless... I do certainly feel God gave u an extra brain to compensate for it :D

N true..."What is duly his, a man receives"...

VISHNU said...

this is a very short post.. /*sarcasm*/
now lemme finish this.. which is a herculean task for me..

blunt edges said...

she should have atleast tried telling her folks...what if they have would have understood (ok the chances were minimal, but still...now she would never know how they would have reacted!)

hmmmm...on a totally different note...i think its high time the parents of our society became open-minded...n its not something i'm saying just 4 the heck of it!

i belong 2 the same society...n i have parents who r open-minded...i'm a hindu by birth...n my ex girl friend was catholic...my parents knew about this but not even once did they make an attempt 2 dissuade me...so if my parents can understand it, i don't see any reason why others cant!

okkk...maybe i went bit off track...but i sure hope the daughter becomes a more liberal n understanding parent one day...religion is given much more importance than it deserves in our society...its high time that changed.

VISHNU said...

u are not even in a relationship.. n jus look at all the questions running in ur mind.."prevention is better than cure" doesnt apply here.. let one organ make the decision.. either heart or the mind.. dont mix the two.. the heart obviously tells u tht the gal shd hav proposed.. the mind brings in the concern of the parents and the religion problem.. the mind shd also hav thot of convincing the parents..

here am assuming tht the gal still didnt propose..instead of proposin to the boy first..y dont u tell it to ur parents first.. if they accept then propose to the boy.. this way atleast the boy can avoid some tears..

P.S: sorry for the long comment.. it was tit for tat for the long post..;)

VISHNU said...

forgot to tell this sparkling sarcasm..

god(i mean religion) was your problem..
and still..
you pray to god..

Lakshmi said...

@ BE...
U r right... mayb she tried... or maybe she did not... she must have been too scared to try...
She knew she d get a definite no...Y stand the chance and disturb the parents piece of mind too???
n Thanks a lot for your comment... It makes a lot of sense...
Mayb the daughter will be a lot more understanding than what her parents were... and liberal too...

Lakshmi said...

@ Vishnu...
OMG... tht was an awesome comment.. loved all 3 parts of it..
Spare the sarcasm.. u were asking for a post n u got it...
N yeah.. maybe the girl tried to think with both her organs.. She tries to follow her heart but her mind interferes... and Religion wasnt exactly her problem... It was society n facing its wrath...
n... there's still time...
I for one, believe that If its meant to be, it will be done...
so IF he is the one meant for the girl, she wil meet him again... n maybe they wil fall in love all over again( or watever)... n maybe she wont repeat the same mistake again..
Lets hope that by the time she meets her again, she gains enough confidence to speak out her undying love for him...the sparkling sarcasm was good too...
N I apologize for an even longer comment.. ;)

Dhanya said...

I second Neha.

Wonderfully written dear :)

VISHNU said...

thats wat we all do.. we live for others(society)..live for urself.. n lol..

bliss said...

that was a damn nice post....
i personally feel, i agreee with wat the girl did. although i dont think the reason that she wasnt sure, she gave argument that wat if she left him in few years' time if now she turned away from her parents' pain is the right argument but it hink her action was right... love is a complex thing but nth is more impt than wat ur parents did for u!! u know, wen i was a kid, iwas of the opinion that one's life was one's own and to not live it with someone u love just cuz that wud hurt ur parents was sth too unfair. but as i grew up, i realised that iw as wrong... we might not be able to see every little pain our parents go thru for our sake, we still owe them our every living moment.. but that certainly dsnt diminish the pain of love!!! the only solution to this is to try and not fall in love!!! i know, bad solution!!!! i really hope no one is ever torn between this fatal choice!!!

bliss said...

i forgot, although i firmly believe that nth in this world, under htis sun is worth hurting ur parents for.. but i also think the religion, old grudges, economic differences etc are too meager issues to stand in way of happiness of ppl. parents shud realise that these are futile basis of judging someone... i so wish parents wud not judge someone and, god forbid, refuse someone on such criteria.. we do need a broader minded society!!!!

Lakshmi said...

Wow Bliss.. tht was a real good comment.. both of them..
Its true.. I do believe the same too... I don't wish to do anything which would hurt my parents..mayb thats why the story went tht way...
I love happy endings... course, am a hard core romantic.. but this story, I didnt think it should end that way...
As for judging people, I totally agree with what you said..economic status, caste, creed n religion should never be a criteria while judging sumone... I dont even got for looks.. I believe its what is inside tht matters... above anything else... :)

Lakshmi said...

@ Dhanya...
Thanks a ton.... glad U liked it... :D

Lakshmi said...

@ Vishnu...
Living for urself doesnt mean u can just do anythin u want.. there's always a practical side... U got to think of others, buddy...

VISHNU said...

i think u mistook me.. or maybe i didnt convey it properly.. living for urself takes into account ur parents n frnds.. since it gonna be a hindu muslim marriage.. there is bound to be opposition.. take only into account ur parents views n not any1 elses'..

Divya said...

thanks for the honest comment...
nowadays i couldn't blog coz my busy study schedule..
i really miss this site a lot..
keep your good work going.. :)

Insignia said...

Hey nice write up. Lucid description.

Now my personal opinion.

Having too many variables can spoil the decision. Setting the priority, if the girl really loved the guy and wanted to spend the rest of her life, she would have spoken about it to her family. If they agreed, all fine, else weigh your priorities. Parents brought us up, looked after us, they care for us, but if they really care for the kids, they would let go of their ego and see their kids are happy.

If the parents dont agree, they are sure to be disappointed, but they are still going to be fine. If the girl was ok living with guilt, pain throughout her life, than with the person she loved, thats her decision and she shouldnt be regretting her actions whatsoever.

Just my personal opinion. :-)

buckingfastard said...

ha!! da age old fight of priority between parents and love of ur life...

point is wichever u choose...da oder will make u regret fr rest of ur life!!

all i cn say love loses da bliss as soon as it turns into a relationship...

so let her love be in her dreams wen she walks in dis burning world of fanatics...right choice!!!

Lakshmi said...

@ Insignia
yeah true... she shouldnt be double minded...n as i said b4...maybe she was didn't want to take a chance...

Lakshmi said...

@ BF
I hereby give u the 'Best comment of this Post' award...
I loved what u said...
Watever decision she takes, she wil always regret it..coz to us, the grass always looks greener on the other side...

The abstract scientist said...

Hey Lakshmi

I have fell into this pit called love many a time and I would like to tell you one thing: I have climbed out of it everytime, becoming a better person.


Think about it!

Lakshmi said...

Hey Scientist...

It would not be fair to say tht I havent fallen in love... I ve had my share of it too...
I believe my encounter with each person has left me.. at least a teeny weeny bit, wiser... Each person I met has taught me something.. something I will remember for the rest of my life... :)
N i choose to believe that God sent these people to teach me something... all the lessons were not happy n joyous... some left me in tears...but they were well learnt lessons watsoever...

The unsure ascetic said...

well said!

Lakshmi said...

@ The Ascetic... Unsure???

Thanks...

gayathri-vishwanathan said...

well your story has left me confused. I guess i would have first tried talking to my folks...if they were ok with the relationship then nothing like it, i would have gone ahead. but had they said no then I would have given up on my love b'coz for me my family is anyday imp.

Lakshmi said...

@ Gayu.. yeah.. i liked this comment of urs.. I d done the same thing too.. probably...