Confessions...of a lost female...

Happy Environment Day People !!!

2011-06-05T23:15:00.000+05:30

There is a pleasure in the pathless woods,

There is a rapture on the lonely shore,

There is society, where none intrudes,

By the deep sea, and music in its roar:

I love not man the less, but Nature more.

~George Gordon, Lord Byron, Childe Harold's Pilgrimage

A New Post !

2011-06-02T23:31:00.001+05:30

Feels good to write after a break… Yeah, It’s been a long time since I opened up my mind… A long time since I felt the need to write…

Loved this quote… Thought I’d put it up here….

“The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends...

I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A Death! What's that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you're too young, you get a gold watch, you go to work. You work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs, alcohol, you party, you get ready for high school. You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a little baby, you go back into the womb, you spend your last nine months floating...

...and you finish off as an orgasm.”

-George Carlin.

It explains everything beautifully… :)

Life s a bitch sometimes… But then it doesn’t stop us from wanting to live… wishing for better times…

I live with the same hope… with prayers for a better tomorrow…

Be back soon :)

2011-05-15T23:04:00.000+05:30

I should have seen this coming.... Maybe I Just love gettin hurt...

Just One...

2011-05-06T10:43:00.002+05:30

One song can spark a moment

One flower can wake the dream,

One tree can start a forest

One bird can herald spring…

One smile begins a friendship

One hand clasp lifts a soul,

One star can guide a ship at sea

One word can frame the goal…

One vote can change a nation

One sunbeam lifts a room,

One candle wipes out darkness

One laugh can conquer gloom…

One step must start each journey

One word must start each prayer,

One hope will raise our spirits

One touch will show you care…

One voice can speak with wisdom

One heart can know what’s true,

One life can make a difference

You see, its up to YOU…

Author unknown… This has been on the first page of my diary since a really long time.

I love my li'l old Blog...

2011-04-21T22:53:00.001+05:30

Came here to tell you that I love you… no matter what… Its not that I don’t want to publish smashing posts…its just that I don’t have the time.. and even if I find time, I find it hard to think of topics to write…

That’s when I thought, who needs topics to write??? Its all rubbish anyway… I take hours to think of something good to write and it doesn’t come out well.. So what the heck is wrong in writing whatever comes to my mind? My little blog is not gonna feel ignored…. I shall not allow that...

I have come to the conclusion that I suck at writing love poems…I don’t even have an idea why I started writing love poems in the first place.. I m not a Devdas or a Laila or a Juliet… I m jus a normal person… well… normal doesn’t suit me.. I m weird.. yeah.. not abnormal.. but weird ( READ special )..

I m special… I m not you.. you or you.. I m just ME and that makes me special J I like that…

Coming to the point, I think I suck at writing any poem… stories, I can make up but poetry is not for me.. I give up ! The last one was the limit… reading it now makes me feel ‘Yuck!’.

My critic gave me 3/5 for that one.. n I rejoiced.. only to be told that my previous posts scored 9/5. I trust his judgement.. yeah.. it’s a he.. Speakin of him.. I d like to copy paste a chat record which took place..well.. a long time back.. Here’s how it goes…

Him : I got this job at ‘something something’

Me: Wow ! Great news!!! Treat..Treat… There are too many of them pending, including ur bday treat… Its time u take care of it.

Him: Okay… Come to Blore…

Me: No way !!! Don’t u dare try that on me again… We ve been doing this for the past one year… I need my treat

Him : Done J You want a treat, you get it …

Me : J

Him : So… what would you like?

Me: Your treat… You decide…

Him: Hmmm… Do you like fruits?

Me: Fruits ????

Me again : Well, yeah… some…

Him : Dry fruits?

Me: Dry fruits as a treat? Are you nuts???

Him : Not nuts… How bout a date?

Me: WHAT???

As usual it took a long time for it to click in my Einstein brain… I loved it, so thought I ll let others read it too…

That’s pretty much of what I can write for now…Hoping to better next time…

P.S :

OMG !!!

2011-04-18T18:45:00.000+05:30

Oh mY gOD !!! I actually have 50 followers... while I sit here doing nothing... I dont write... I dont read and I defnitely dont comment... This is Huge....

Thanks a lot guys... Muah ! Love you all

Yeah, Those who have seen me can testify to this... I have chubby cheeks :(

To the Lover…

2011-03-06T18:13:00.004+05:30

There was passion…

But lack of promises,

That’s where you went wrong…

I hope you’ll know it someday.

Passion and fire…

Are indeed essential,

But you must know…

It’s your love I yearned for, not lust.

A girl needs love…

Care, affection and warmth,

She needs to be held…

And made to feel safe and secure.

You could give it all…

But it was a promise I needed,

It was something you could not offer…

Commitment was just not your way.

You might wonder…

What with all the time we spent together,

The so called magic we shared…

What else could I possibly want?

It was just not good enough for me honey…

I needed something more,

You could never understand what I wanted...

And why I wanted it.

I m sorry things happened,

The way they did…

All I wanted was a word…

That you’ll be there for me…

But now… even if you have a promise…

I m sorry, there’s no passion left,

Something in me has died out…

There is no love left for you anymore.

You left a hole in my heart...

And I've patched it up,

And whatever you do now..

Is not gonna change the way things are.

Stopping by my Blog on a Lonely Night...

2011-01-18T02:39:00.002+05:30

The night is lovely, dark and deep...

But I have no promises to keep...

and hours to go before I sleep..

and hours to go before I sleep...

I seriously am suffering from insomnia... Decided to stop by here n see if typing away a few boring lines would help... Readers are welcome to stop by and go thru the literature if they suffer from the same disorder... I do not have much to write... Just pour out my woes.. as to why sleep doesnt come to me... Though I m trying hard.. doing by best...

In bed, tossing n turning.. I tried texting a lot many friends.. all of whom are awake and are happy to keep on chatting.... now the cell is switched off.... The bright light from the laptop screen is beautiful... giving my face a glow :D

Its been long since I posted something... I really do seem to have run short of ideas... I promise I ll be back.... fresh and rejuvenated... But right now... I m busy... waiting to fall asleep....

See u soon, bloggy....Wish me Good night....

A not so typical day !!!

2010-11-13T21:01:00.000+05:30

"Don’t tell me what to do…" She said as she slammed the door shut with a bang… flopped over on the bed and sat very still… tryin to control the tear that hung at the very edge of her eye… threatening to drop over to wet her lashes any second now…

She was certainly feeling down… Damn the hormones… always acting at the wrong time… she din want to be sad and cross n so pissed off now…

‘The airtel jingle……’ in the background…. It’s the cell phone… reaching beneath her, she pulls it out from under a pillow…

Damn it !!! Boyfriend found no better time to call…. He is probably calling after a hectic day at work… She knows she needs to stay cool…

She tries her best…. After a couple of lines… we hear raised voices…

[Awww…Shut up! I don’t want to listen to your crappy jokes right now… says her mind, but she doesn’t dare say it aloud]

She tries her best to laugh…a hollow mirthless sound comes out…

He gets the message… “k, then… we ll talk later… I m gonna be pretty busy the rest of the evening… We better talk tmrw… Night !”

This from the guy she thought was her soulmate… Cant blame him though…

She is on the verge of breaking up… She is need of a good cry… she just has to start feeling sorry for herself… and then the tears flow… down her plump cheeks to wet the pink n blue pillowcase….

Once the flow ceases, she gets up n sees herself in the full length mirror placed facing her bed… She sees her tear stained face n breaks down again… “ I deserve someone better” and other feeling sorry for herself thoughts fill her small mind… until she cries her heart out…

Thirty minutes later… she texts him… “I m sorry… I din mean to be rude…Call back.”

No calls…. Well.. he has a right to be pissed off at her.. How the hell is he supposed to know her hormones are partying tonight???

She texts a friend… Jus to keep her mind off other ‘not-so-pleasant’ things…

Hey.. whats up???

No reply… She is probably @ work.

Same msg forwarded to a couple of others…

One replies… Hi… how u doing?

I m feeling down…

It ll pass… give it some time… Hey gtg… ll text u later…

The idiot… let him text me when he wants my advice on how to make some dumb females fall for him… Ll show him.

She picks up a book to read… after 13 minutes of reading the same lines over and again.. she calls it quits…

Goes over to the PC… opens her fav bookmarked sites… Gmail n FB… Awwwww My God… A lot many people online… She hides… Gmail provides an invisibility cloak… Thank You… Reads a lot of stat updates on fb, finds them all crappy….

Types out one on her own…

“ There are a LOT of words I want to use to express how I am feeling right now but not one of them is polite enough to type here !!! :P”

That makes her feel no better… logs out… slams the laptop shut…

Goes over to her room…

Time for another cry… but wait… She din feel like crying anymore… She was angry… for no reason at all…

She ll have to wait… until it passes…. It will… But until it does… she s gonna feel this crazy….

The next lucky one in line is the best friend… Oh… He tries his best…

I feel like a cat let out in the rain… she tells him…

He listens… patiently…. That’s only what he can go… No use stuffing sense into her… wont work now…

After the call… she lies silently… in retrospection…

And sleeps off…..

The Morning after….

OH MY GOD… What was I doing last night????

Texts bf first… Hey… am sorry sweetie… I really am… I know I acted crazy… Pls don’t be mad at me…

Its okay honey… I m sorry too… I should ve have known better…

J Muah !

And the best frnd… Hey.. I did act really crazy ystrdy, right… Thank you.. for hearing me out….

No issues… That’s what friends are for, aren’t they???

And …. Mom….

So… Do u want breakfast or would you rather have me to eat instead???

Sorry Mom… U know how it is…

( a huge hug n its all set right…)

[There ends my story…]

Bewildered !!!

2010-10-23T22:06:00.005+05:30

I want to read…
But my mind’s miles away.

I d love to write…

But words fail to come to me.

Noise all around…

But silence reverberates within.

Laughter all around…

But my heart sobs within.

People surround me…

But its solitude I crave.

Blazing lights outside…

But darkness prevails within.

Try as I might to smile…

It’s a tear which rolls down my cheek.

Sane though I appear…

Insane I feel within.

Walking along life’s long road…

It is fear I feel within.

Partners.. in Love ?

2010-08-09T00:47:00.002+05:30

Scene I

He entered and moved swiftly to his seat…

He was two minutes late.

She was due in another three minutes.

She always came on time, a full five minutes after he did.

He ordered the usual and sat waiting expectantly.. She swung the door open, her head held high… a familiar air of confidence and style about her… He had been watching her for a week now.

She sat across the room, with her paper in hand and the lanky kid waiter, who he suspected had a huge crush on her, placed the usual orange juice and toast before her.

She looked at him… for the first time, or so he thought… She looked up and smiled…

Those rich lips, the high cheekbones, the arched brows… the short wavy hair framing the heart shaped face… the smile went up to her almond shaped eyes…

He smiled back… a shy grin…

Scene II

They hit off quite quickly… It all began with that smile.. n this is where they ended up… snuggled in each others arms…

Everything was jus right… the passion…for life… for each other…their likes and dislikes… They moulded into each other’s life beautifully.

However there was one thing missing… there was no love between them… and they were comfortable with how things were… No commitment… No strings attached…

It was she who asked once during the early days of their relationship as to what he expected from her… And his answer pleased her… He just wanted to have fun… till it lasts…

HIM:

No one really knew the real him.. Quite an introvert.. happy being left alone… in his own world… books, movies…

Not much of a party animal… but amazingly.. he always gets the best girls… he doesn’t even have to flirt…They seem to be attracted to him as if by magic…

HER:

The eternal romantic…. Believes in fairy tales… happy endings… Love at first sight n love forever…

Has been in wait for her dream guy… the perfect one who can turn the unsung medley of her life into a lovely melody…

But then how did she settle for a relationship with him???

Searching for the ideal guy and always in wait for the perfect one… she threw away many propositions that came her way…

Eventually she settled for one that seemed like a dream come true… a love story fit to be a movie script….

But then problems arose…

She left him…. in search of something better…

She had had enough of serious commitments…. Of broken promises… and tear stained pillows…

She wanted excitement… thrill…

She was in it for fun too…

Scene III

And there they lay happily… in each other’s arms…. Without a thought for anything else in this world…

Until her cell phone rang…

“Yeah honey, I ll be right there…”

To him… she said… Its my fiancé.. I gotta go… its been great being with you… Thank you for giving me a lovely time… I m getting engaged this Sunday…

And… if I ever decide to get involved in an extra marital affair, you ll be the first one I call… she said as she closed the door behind her… her eyes still twinkling… her smile still bright…

That night… he sat alone… on the couch.. where they lay entwined a few hours back…

“She’d been nice… he liked her a lot.. the fire of their passion hadn’t died yet…

Drat!!! Now he d have to find some one to replace her…”

Epilogue:

[ I don’t know if its fitting… Anyways, I liked this quote.. And It stays here…as a epilogue.. Whether u like it or not…]

“When we're incomplete, we're always searching for somebody to complete us. When, after a few years or a few months of a relationship, we find that we're still unfulfilled, we blame our partners and take up with somebody more promising. This can go on and on--series polygamy--until we admit that while a partner can add sweet dimensions to our lives, we, each of us, are responsible for our own fulfillment. Nobody else can provide it for us, and to believe otherwise is to delude ourselves dangerously and to program for eventual failure every relationship we enter.”

What would I not give…

2010-06-21T22:57:00.002+05:30

[ Okay... Now this is a desperate attempt... My rankin at Indiblogger went down to 57 frm 73 coz its been a couple of months since I last posted... I had to do sumthin... scribbled sumthin... n here it is... It might sound very similar to the last post.. I m sorry.. Squeezed in everythin I hav to write this... got nothin more to say... ]

To listen to you..

call out my name once again….

And answer with a nod…

As I always do…

To look into your eyes…

and see you smile…

when I tell u

What you mean to me…

To have your arms around me…

Tellin me everythings fine…

And to hug you tight…

feeling your warmth…

To talk to you…

All through the night…

And to wake up…

Knowing I have you…

To walk with you…

On those rainy days…

And catch those drops…

Splattering around us…

To walk about...

Holding hands…
And watch the waves...
Sitting on the sands...

To fight with you…

Hold back tears..

And sit and sob…

Till you get back…

Watch u sleep

In the middle of the night…

And wake u up

Jus to say I love you…

I wish and hope and pray…

For you to come my way…

And brighten up my life

Like you did that day…

I ll wait…

Till time grows old…

For I know…

You ll be back someday…

Make My Day !!!

2010-05-12T23:28:00.003+05:30

Give me a smile…

Sing me a song…

Hug me tight…

Keep me close….

Walk with me…

Hold my hands…

Tell me a joke…

Hear me laugh…

Sit by me,

Silently…

And let me know…

You like me…

Take me to the ocean…

To watch the waves…

The dipping sun…

And the salty air…

Listen to me talk…

Look and nod…

Tell me stories…

I d love to hear…

Lend me a shoulder

To cry upon…

When something happens

That tears me apart…

Tell me you love me

That you care…

And whatever happens,

You’ll be there…

This is what it takes…

To make my day…

Simple though it may seem…

No one seems to care…

Reflections on India - Sean Paul Kelly

2010-05-08T22:36:00.005+05:30

A new post.... Fully plagiarized....

Reflections on India - Sean Paul Kelly

I got this as a mail the day before..

I guess many if not all of you must have read this... To those who havent... here goes....
and to those to have... it wont hurt to read it once again....

If you are Indian, or of Indian descent, I must preface this post with a clear warning: you are not going to like what I have to say. My criticisms may be very hard to stomach. But consider them as the hard words and loving advice of a good friend. Someone who’s being honest with you and wants nothing from you. These criticisms apply to all of India except Kerala and the places I didn’t visit, except that I have a feeling it applies to all of India, except as I mentioned before, Kerala. Lastly, before anyone accuses me of Western Cultural Imperialism, let me say this: if this is what India and Indians want, then hey, who am I to tell them differently. Take what you like and leave the rest. In the end it doesn’t really matter, as I get the sense that Indians, at least many upper class Indians, don’t seem to care and the lower classes just don’t know any better, what with Indian culture being so intense and pervasive on the sub-continent. But here goes, nonetheless.

India is a mess. It’s that simple, but it’s also quite complicated. I’ll start with what I think are India’s four major problems–the four most preventing India from becoming a developing nation–and then move to some of the ancillary ones.

First, pollution. In my opinion the filth, squalor and all around pollution indicates a marked lack of respect for India by Indians. I don’t know how cultural the filth is, but it’s really beyond anything I have ever encountered. At times the smells, trash, refuse and excrement are like a garbage dump. Right next door to the Taj Mahal was a pile of trash that smelled so bad, was so foul as to almost ruin the entire Taj experience. Delhi, Bangalore and Chennai to a lesser degree were so very polluted as to make me physically ill. Sinus infections, ear infection, bowels churning was an all to common experience in India. Dung, be it goat, cow or human fecal matter was common on the streets. In major tourist areas filth was everywhere, littering the sidewalks, the roadways, you name it. Toilets in the middle of the road, men urinating and defecating anywhere, in broad daylight. Whole villages are plastic bag wastelands. Roadsides are choked by it. Air quality that can hardly be called quality. Far too much coal and far to few unleaded vehicles on the road. The measure should be how dangerous the air is for one’s health, not how good it is. People casually throw trash in the streets, on the roads. The only two cities that could be considered sanitary in my journey were Trivandrum–the capital of Kerala–and Calicut. I don’t know why this is. But I can assure you that at some point this pollution will cut into India’s productivity, if it already hasn’t. The pollution will hobble India’s growth path, if that indeed is what the country wants. (Which I personally doubt, as India is far too conservative a country, in the small ‘c’ sense.)

The second issue, infrastructure, can be divided into four subcategories: roads, rails and ports and the electrical grid. The electrical grid is a joke. Load shedding is all too common, everywhere in India. Wide swaths of the country spend much of the day without the electricity they actually pay for. With out regular electricity, productivity, again, falls. The ports are a joke. Antiquated, out of date, hardly even appropriate for the mechanized world of container ports, more in line with the days of longshoremen and the like. Roads are an equal disaster. I only saw one elevated highway that would be considered decent in Thailand, much less Western Europe or America. And I covered fully two thirds of the country during my visit. There are so few dual carriage way roads as to be laughable. There are no traffic laws to speak of, and if there are, they are rarely obeyed, much less enforced. A drive that should take an hour takes three. A drive that should take three takes nine. The buses are at least thirty years old, if not older. Everyone in India, or who travels in India raves about the railway system. Rubbish. It’s awful. Now, when I was there in 2003 and then late 2004 it was decent. But in the last five years the traffic on the rails has grown so quickly that once again, it is threatening productivity. Waiting in line just to ask a question now takes thirty minutes. Routes are routinely sold out three and four days in advance now, leaving travelers stranded with little option except to take the decrepit and dangerous buses. At least fifty million people use the trains a day in India. 50 million people! Not surprising that waitlists of 500 or more people are common now. The rails are affordable and comprehensive but they are overcrowded and what with budgetairlines popping up in India like Sadhus in an ashram the middle and lowers classes are left to deal with the overutilized rails and quality suffers. No one seems to give a shit. Seriously, I just never have the impression that the Indian government really cares. Too interested in buying weapons from Russia, Israel and the US I guess.

The last major problem in India is an old problem and can be divided into two parts that’ve been two sides of the same coin since government was invented: bureaucracy and corruption. It take triplicates to register into a hotel. To get a SIM card for one’s phone is like wading into a jungle of red-tape and photocopies one is not likely to emerge from in a good mood, much less satisfied with customer service. Getting train tickets is a terrible ordeal, first you have to find the train number, which takes 30 minutes, then you have to fill in the form, which is far from easy, then you have to wait in line to try and make a reservation, which takes 30 minutes at least and if you made a single mistake on the form back you go to the end of the queue, or what passes for a queue in India. The government is notoriously uninterested in the problems of the commoners, too busy fleecing the rich, or trying to get rich themselves in some way shape or form. Take the trash for example, civil rubbish collection authorities are too busy taking kickbacks from the wealthy to keep their areas clean that they don’t have the time, manpower, money or interest in doing their job. Rural hospitals are perennially understaffed as doctors pocket the fees the government pays them, never show up at the rural hospitals and practice in the cities instead.

I could go on for quite some time about my perception of India and its problems, but in all seriousness, I don’t think anyone in India really cares. And that, to me, is the biggest problem. India is too conservative a society to want to change in any way. Mumbai, India’s financial capital is about as filthy, polluted and poor as the worst city imaginable in Vietnam, or Indonesia–and being more polluted than Medan, in Sumatra is no easy task. The biggest rats I have ever seen were in Medan!

One would expect a certain amount of, yes, I am going to use this word, backwardness, in a country that hasn’t produced so many Nobel Laureates, nuclear physicists, imminent economists and entrepreneurs. But India has all these things and what have they brought back to India with them? Nothing. The rich still have their servants, the lower castes are still there to do the dirty work and so the country remains in stasis. It’s a shame. Indians and India have many wonderful things to offer the world, but I’m far from sanguine that India will amount to much in my lifetime.

Now, have at it, call me a cultural imperialist, a spoiled child of the West and all that. But remember, I’ve been there. I’ve done it. And I’ve seen 50 other countries on this planet and none, not evenEthiopia, have as long and gargantuan a laundry list of problems as India does. And the bottom line is, I don’t think India really cares. Too complacent and too conservative.

P.S : I repeat... there is nothin in here which is mine... But I did not feel the need to add anythin more...

I love you... Dad...

2010-05-03T00:39:00.003+05:30

Dear Dad….

I have always taken you for granted….

You have always been there… right from the beginning….

You made me feel secure…. Safe… loved… cared for….

I always told people I loved mom… That never meant I loved you less…

I love you a lot lot Dad… This post is jus for that….

Jus to let everyone know… to let myself know…

That I love my Dad….

You are the most selfless person I have ever known…

And I know I can never ever be like you… even if I try my best….

I am so fortunate n blessed to have you…

And I shall bear that in mind forever…..

You have never left any wish of mine unfulfilled….

I’ve got everything I wanted and more….

I know I have not been ungrateful…

But then... how does one show gratitude towards you???

I promise you I shall make you proud of me some day….

That’s the least I can do….

For all that you are to me….

And will always be…

The Girl Who wasn’t born….

2010-02-14T19:45:00.003+05:30

I d started workin on this one months back…. Almost like a sequel to ‘Being ME’ coz its on the same lines…. You might find it banal… but anyways I jus decided to post it… J

Here goes:

The Girl Who wasn’t born….

I am Razia… age 22

Happily married to a wonderful human being who loves me, cares for me…

I live @ Dubai with my husband… n we r very glad… we are expecting a little one very soon…. In 7 months, to be exact…

After few more months, I will be going home…

But.. I do not want to go home… I am safe here, I am happy here…

Going back to India… to Kerala… brings back memories….

I don’t want those…

The nightmares….which I still have… the faces which haunt me….

And to think that I have not been able to tell Siraj the whole of it..

I have been forbidden to…. I will get killed if I do so…

Killed..yes, it may surprise u… killed by whom???

My father n my brothers…

No, they do not hate me… they have nothing against me…. As long as I heed their words n keep mum…

I am not supposed to think of the past…

I am not supposed to speak of it…

I had been married, once…before all this….

I was 18.. fresh out of college…

I hadn’t thought my family would allow me to complete my degree… they did eventually… owing to my threats…

The last time a guy came to see me, I refused to go home… from the hostel…

My father and brothers came @ night to carry me off…

I liked Riyaz… Well.. I guess I did..… Ours was of course an arranged marriage… and I hadn’t got to talk to him until the wedding day… well, wedding nite…actually…

The elders decided everything… I jus got dressed… had lots of fun as I was the centre of attraction..everywhere….

No, I was not tht naïve as u think I was… I had been to college too…n I had many friends too… I knew what the first night was all about…

And Riyaz was just 23… a few years older than me… we experimented… we had fun… We were both kids….

2 weeks after our wedding..Riyaz had to leave… back to Saudi, where he worked… There were some problems with my visa and I stayed back…

He told me he would be back within 2 months to take me… yes, that was his word….

I missed him… yeah…strange… I felt so too… A man I d barely known for a couple of weeks n I was already missing him…

I was scared before my wedding… but then I knew…His absence told me what I wanted to know…Riyaz was the one for me…

I loved him….

A week later, I found out that I was pregnant...

I do not remember how I felt…

I was still a child… N here I was, with a child within me… I barely had time to get to know its father….

It is in those months… that I grew up…

Riyaz used to call me daily… we talked…we decided upon names for our little one…

I was the happiest woman on earth… young, in the prime of life… and my eyes full of dreams….

And then it came…. The Phone call…..

Riyaz…. Dead…. Accident… car… thts all I remember… thts all I know… I wasnt told anything more….

I din want to know then… n by the time I wanted to know, no one was ready to tel me anything….

I was with child… except for a few tears… I din do anything much…. I knew I had to think of my baby… our baby… It would be a HE, I know…. Like my Riyaz…

my Riyaz… who seemed more like a dream then….

I felt guilty… I felt sad… Oh.. why couldn’t I have been with him when it happened??? Mayb Allah wanted me to live on… with our kid…

Many people know the story… till this…. What happened next is unknown to all… They all believe I had an abortion….They were told so…Owing to my grief… I was given an year to recuperate n then I was sold…. To Siraj… I do not have anything against Siraj… He is a perfect gentleman.. He loves me… N I love him too… Yes, I do….

I say I was sold to Siraj coz I was loaded with gold, more than I was adorned with the first time… coz I was second hand…. My In laws were ready to forget bout the past if they were supplied with an extra 25 kgs of gold….

I haven’t ever thought of ending my life… I haven’t ever been fed up… coz I believe I am supposed to go thru all this… I am ready to accept things as they are…

But there is one thing I can never forget… one thing I can never forgive myself for….

My daughter…. She d be 3 yrs old now…. Alive, I hope… no, I m sure….

With adopted parents… or stuck in an orphanage… N I m sure she must hate me when she comes to know how she came to be there….

I still remember the dreaded day…. After I gave birth to her…. My father n brothers tried to lie to me… they told me I d given birth to a still born baby…

But then, something in me told me … my baby still lives on.. I wanted to catch a glimpse…. I begged them…. Fell at their feet… until they allowed me to hold her… just once… after which they would take her….

To an orphanage… far away… they had arranged it all before hand….

My youngest brother felt pity for me and allowed me to go along… a week after my delivery… my baby was in the incubator till then… she was a premature baby… n was weak… I remember the look in her eyes when I held her… the wrinkled face…. The pink tissue…. She jus looked like a mass of tissues… pink tissues…. I was sacred to touch her… for fear I would hurt her with my touch….

I don remember who she looked like… in a week’s time, you cant ever say tht….

But she was the only reminder of my past life….. of a nightmare which but I do not want to forget…. I held her tight… close to my bosom… No power on earth was ever going to separate me from her, tht was jus wat I thought….

She was taken away… from my hands… N I was pushed away…. I remember my last thought before I fainted away… I could have killed her… tht made more sense than putting her in an orphanage… There were Sisters all around… it was a Christian missionary place… I do not know where….n they were consoling me… they told me my daughter is going to be happy there… they would take care of tht…

I do not know where my daughter is now…. I do not know if I want to know….

I do not know if I m happy… or am I jus tryin to be happy???? For Siraj’s sake…..

I am pregnant again… How wil I love this child knowing another one of my babies is out there??? Alone… in this big bad world….

I know Siraj loves me, but whether he loves me enough to find my baby… I do not know.. I dare not speak of this to him….

And thus I live….

As each day passes…. My daughter grows older….

And my hopes for finding her diminishes….

I live in dread….. what if the person who walks by next to me on the street is actually my daughter???

[ I know the last line is copied… repeated frm one of my earlier posts…

But I don think it can be said in any way better… ]

A Birthday Wish

2010-01-16T00:00:00.002+05:30

Nothing special bout this post... Its jus a birthday wish... a wish for someone who means a lot to me.... A best friend... yeah... thats it...

There are some things money cant buy.. and some other things which even MasterCard cant get you... It is for such a thing that I m writing this post...

Its not that I cant get you anythin N... but then I m doing this coz I think this might mean something to you.. my best critic in bloggerville n in my life...

This is a part of the testi I ve given N in his orkut prof... n I ve got the same words to say to u even now ...

I copy pasted this.. but thts how it can be said best…

“But, I'll be there for you, when the rain starts to pour.
I'll be there for you, like I've been there before.
I'll be there for you, coz you're there for me too…”

Wishing you a great year Sugar Plum...

Many More Happy Returns of the day... :D

U want a cake??? I got tht ready too...

I remember the time U wished me on my Bday n sent me Butterscotch ice cream on gtalk... This is the least I can do it return... ;)

Hello.... I m dedicating a whole post to u... U better say a Huge Thanks... :P

Love you Loads Dear friend.....

There's no one like you out there... N even if there is... I d rather have you any day... :D

And sorry dear readers... I got nothin more Interesting to say... If u want to get to know the lucky guy whom I wrote this post for... go on to N's blog... This is the best Blog I ve ever read...No, I am not sayin this coz he's my bff.. I say it coz its true... Its very personal... n very 'N' ish... ( Yeah yeah... free publicity for ur blog... go on, sue me for writing this :P )

... and ??? and ... and ??? again...

2010-01-10T01:51:00.001+05:30

Well... the title says it all, doesnt it??? I got nothin much to write...

1:38 in my part of the world.. Hopped in and out of bed thrice... Dont feel sleepy...

Going back to Hostel day aftr morn...

Finally got started on my research project....

Have been tagged... too lazy to take up the tag... mayb next weekend....

and then... Some random thoughts....

Like why I dont find anything to write... words jus dont come to me...

No ideas.... No creativity.... jus blank thoughts.... blank.. like.... a starless night :-?

Good day bloggers... Hope to be back with some thing which makes sense soon :)

The X'Mas post.. :)

2009-12-23T23:21:00.003+05:30

I wish it snows in my part of the world too....

Snow always looks so good... :)

And even if it doesn't snow....

Here's wishing everyone a Merry Christmas.....

Hope you all have fun...

And If in case I dont get time to wish you before the New year....

May you all have a Wonderful year....

Candies to last the whole year... Mind u...

This is the best image I got... I loved it ;)

And do remain

All throughout the year....

Well... even if not always... Do smile often :)

Just Small talk...

2009-12-16T22:38:00.000+05:30

Its Dec 16.. N i havent posted anything for so long... I feel ashamed of myself...

But then... I got nothin to write.. I really dont...

Even now.. I m jus typing away... Lets see how this goes...

I ll get a few days hols this month.. Its Christmas !!!

Last month was a mixed one.. I was happy.. n then I was sad...

My gramps passed away last month.. Dedicating this post to u Grandpa.. I loved you a lot...love u still....
N whenever i see little orange candies, I ll always think of you... :)

I was busy.. busy the whole month... with stuff at the university... studies... chattin with ppl.. texting... And now I m friends with an alien ;)

I m home this week as I ve got an exam this Sunday.. It better be good.. well, the exam will be... but I dont know how I ll fare...

I promise to be a good girl n post regularly after my xam.... ( Promise with my fingers crossed)...

Merry Christmas everyone... Have a Happy month :D

This Week's Post

2009-11-06T22:47:00.001+05:30

I m turning over a new leaf.. n am actually plannin to post sumthing every weekend... searched high and low for sumthing I d written few months back.. I am not even re reading it... The whole idea sounds ridiculous to me now... but since its sumthing I hav written, N since I really dont hav anythin else to put in here... I m posting it...
Pre Script : I m having a grand time @ the university... hectic schedule but I m enjoying it.... working with Drosophila's this week :D

Pages from a Teenager’s Diary

Entry 1

OMG Diary…. He smiled at me today… he did, he did… n u shud have been there to see tht… the tilt of his lips… HE is so cute….

The cutest guy I ve ever seen.. n he s so cool…. A smile from him would make my day….

Wish he was my friend… wish for it badly… keeping my fingers crossed….

Entry 2

HE TALKED TO ME…. Yeah… he did… jus a Hi.. but he did….

Wow… I feel so good…

Made my insides turn…

Wish I d had the guts to talk back… I jus smiled in return…

But he shud have seen me do the crazy dance after he left.. I almost bumped into my HOD…

n… I had a stupid smile on my face the whole day…

Entry 3

He said Good morning…. Good morning, when me n my friends were walkin along the corridor…

I love the way he smiles…tht cute dimple on his chin…. Waow…

Wish he knew I had this HUGE crush on him…

Entry 4

Am so sorry I cudnt write to you these many days..

I was busy… fallin in love…

Well… we r friends now… cool, right???

We talk a lot… crazy stuff.. u know how I go when I get started???

Do hope I do not drive him away…

He’s sweet… n so caring…I love having him around….

Entry 5

We are best friends now…

He calls me… we msg each other… N he told me ystrdy he missed me… I hadn’t gone to college as I had a bad cold…

That means something.. doesn’t it, diary???

Entry 6

He msged me today… says he wanna tel me something important… tmrw when we meet…

He says its an important matter…

Boy, Am I thrilled???

I asked him to tel me now… atleast gimme a clue…

Waiting for his reply…

He says he doesn’t know how to say it in typing…wants me to wait until we meet tmrw…

Watever.. I ve waited this long.. Why not a few hours more???

Entry 7

The last msg at nite says he hopes I wont be mad at him… n tht he’s the luckiest man alive to have a friend like me… :D

Entry 8

Oh Dairy….

I hate guys!!! I really do….

Esp HIM….

Here I was busy falling in love with him…

N he asks me to help him propose another girl…

He wants me to speak for him….

Oh Shit… n u know what the heck I did???

I said… YES…

I said I d help… with a stupid grin on my face, I listened to all what he had to say…

Of how he’s in love with this cute gal… n thinks she is the right person for him…

P.S : I saw the gal and she was anything but cute… an ugly fat girl…

Guess this is wat being in love does to people…

Look what it has done to me????

Here I am… foolishly in love… ready to help him out with another gal… anything for him… jus as long as I get to see him smile… J

MORAL of the story:

Love makes us all idiots… We all know it… but still…we wait… for the right person to come along so tht we cud jus… fall.. in love…

And experience doesn’t teach us anything in this regard either… I for one, repeat the same mistakes again n again…

But its fun fallin in love.. its fun having a crush on someone… Its fun getting infatuated…

It takes sometime to grow out of it…

And once you have ur heart broken, it takes even longer to forget things and move on… but once you do… Back to square 1 again.. let the search begin…

The Month end Post...

2009-10-31T18:01:00.002+05:30

I really cant believe its the 30th... Time flew... n I din even have time to write and most importantly read blogs....
Apologies to each one of you...Personal apologies might follow if i get time to comment on ur posts this weekend...

Nyways... When I wished for October to be exciting, I think I wished for too much.. I have had all the excitement I could get... the last 5 months I spent lazily and have said a million times that I was bored to death... I do regret saying tht...
Now I am worked to death...

Classes began on Oct 12... been 3 weeks... n it has been a HECTIC time..with not a moment to spare...

First time I tried staying away from home... it was an amazing EXPERIENCE...true...

I moved into the Ladies hostel of a University... a Govt sponsored institution.. n to tel u the truth.... It was pure hell.... no power, no water, no lights... combined with the mosquitoes and the heat @ nite...made it a wonderful fun filled week.... for 3 days, I stay put.. i thot i was feeling so coz i was staying away from home for the first time.. and i tried to adjust... i did try my best, believe me... the fourth day.. I din wanna adjust no more.. I began explaining things to my mom n threatened to discontinue... I dont give a damn.. i dont want to do any research.. I jus want to be home.. I need a bed, a fan... and I would die to see a tubelight right now.. those were my exact words... the tiny cramped room, 3 people... I was suffocating....
The food was okay... i did eat... expect for the time fish curry was poured over my rice, everything was fine....

and now... I am at my sis's place... 45 min travel by bus to and fro daily.. BUT.. i am happy... n thts wat matters...Working on my assignments n work with full gusto...

All my creative juices have evaporated or so i feel.. I have nothing to write... except mayb about Apoptosis.... thts what i read about most daily....

I m plannin to work on cancer cells and tht sounds exciting... atleast for now...and its official....I am a research scholar now...:D
I come home every weekend...I fall sick often.... I eat, sleep and I work... that abt sums up my life for the time being....
I do not socialize, i do not call people, i do not text people... I have forgotten the use of my mobile... but i talk to my mama around 5 times a day... keep her posted on stuff...
I tend to get depressed on Sunday evenings.. as i hav to go back on Monday morn...very early.... thats why decided to post today...

Mayb its a stupid post... maybe its boring.. as I have not made any efforts to make it worth reading....but...

Happy November guys... Hope everyone has a good month ( and that includes me!!! )

P.S : Its my friend's wedding in November... I am looking forward to it...Its a must attend occasion... Ppl gettin married while I toil away in the lab drawing designs with tiny microbes on agar plates...
P.P.S : The warden has promised me a room in the research wing and until i get a decent room or otherwise... I am not moving back!!!
P.P.P.S: Havent proof read this post.. too tired to do so.. E&O expected....bear with them pls...

October is Here…

2009-10-05T23:42:00.001+05:30

For the past couple of months, I have doing posts similar to this one.. so I thot y not make it a habit??? That way, I get one post every month without having to think of a topic… J

It also ensures that I will definitely write one post every month welcoming it…

Comments or no comments, whether u like it or not.. I ll post it…

SO… I am here, still waiting… Classes have not begun yet… am writing entrances… trying my luck… waiting for Lady Luck to smile upon me… Mera number aayega, mujhe pata hey… lekin kab???

Life’s boring but I have found ways to fight the boredom.. My main pastime is blogging n reading others posts… I write only when my creativity levels are high which is once in a blue moon… The last month, however was quite good for me.. 4 posts.. all of which got rave reviews… I m glad!!!

Now again, I ve run out of topics to write… N I m beginning to be too lazy to even think…

October… so wat does Oct have in store??? Diwali… sweets… OMG.. again calories… what the heck??? Who gives a damn bout I look??? Not me, anyway….

I always believe looks don’t matter, its whats inside that matters…

And then there is Gandhi Jayanthi… back @ school or college, it used to be a holiday… now, I dunno if it holds any significance to me.. I mean.. I know wats it about… but whether it will bring any change to my daily life n routine I dunno…

Many of my classmates would be coming for Diwali n we plan to have a get together… dunno how far it will become a reality… How many of them wud come.. I will definitely be there… as I ve got nothing better to do.. N I really am looking forward to see my friends…

SO…. Will be back next month n tel u wat how the month went for me…

Until then… I hope to write atleast one teensy weensy post each week… lets see…

Happy October everyone… Have a great month…

[ This was supposed to be published on 1st...]

Being ME

2009-09-26T11:13:00.008+05:30

[This is a very long post....bear with me readers... But i cudnt think of splittin it... din think it wud make much sense... ]

I was barely a couple of weeks old when I was brought home… Home.. yes, it feels weird to say the word… home… home, a place where we feel we belong…

I opened my teeny tiny eyes to find many not so teeny tiny ones staring at me… they had a kinda confused look on their faces…

[ Don’t ask me how I cud remember all tht @ 14 days… This is a story n u r not supposed to ask questions… all right? ]

Some touched my cheek with little fingers… they were all kids.. my cousins…

My proud Mother had me in her lap… N I could see my Dad beaming….

I drank loadsa milk… I began to grow.. one day at a time… learning new things… watchin people… experimenting with the world around me….

I had a bunch of cousins to keep me company… 2 of them who were almost my age…

I was given a name, a beautiful one…tht one…

I was my Dad’s pet and my mom’s little baby….

I grew up.. under their vigilant eyes… their caressing hands…

I still remember the time I was sick.. down with chicken pox… OMG.. it was terrible… but I got thru… hale n hearty…

My parents have always been there for me….

I turned 10…. N then I grew on…

The year I turned 12…. One day I reach home to find my parents kinda troubled… Don ask me how I found out.. I jus knew it.. U get this feeling in ur guts….

I woke up @ nite to hear my mom cry….

I hated tht…

I hated the fact tht they were keeping a secret from me….

Was it me???

Had I done something wrong???

I askd Dad the next day while he was dressing me up for school…

No, beta.. its nothing, everything’s fine… run along, my little doll….Everything’s jus fine….

That evening I was told we were leaving for our native place that weekend… tht came as a surprise since we went there only for vacations n only if I had more than a couple of days holidays…

I never remember takin a leave for anything other than really important stuff… that being me getting really sick….

I askd Mom immediately….

Nothin dear… u got 2 days leave, ur exams r no where near…

We thought we could go n meet ur aunts n uncles n ur cousins… don’t u wanna meet them???

Yeah sure…

That night, mom did a weird thing.. I mean… while she was putting me in bed, she asked me if I would like her to tell me a story…

Okay…( she doesn’t normally do this… not since I was 8 or 9…hmmmm)

Baby, did u know tht many people do not have kids???

Kids are God’s gifts, you know… and many couples do not have children..

Yeah I know…aunt n uncle don’t, right… they always tell me.. they have me, so its okay… J

After our marriage, we did not have kids for a long, long time… n then we prayed, prayed a lot… n then God gave you…

I could sense she was breaking down.. I did not know why… mothers cry sometimes.. for reasons you never know…

What happended, ma??? R u okay???

Yeah I am….. I just wanted to tell you… we love you… we always will and nothing can ever change that…

I know tht ma… I love you too….( I hugged her tight, I held her close… I was scared… I did not know why… )

Friday came….n we set off….

On Saturday morning.. my aunt said we were going out.. jus me, my parents n aunt.. no cousins… they all suddenly had home work to do…

We went shopping… I got a brand new pink frock…and had strawberry ice cream…

And then we stopped in front of this large building….

It looked like a school… or even a hospital…

It had this big statue of Christ in front…. I prayed.. like I always did.. I was taught to respect all religions…

Why r we here???

Aunt has to see someone… come on, lets go in…

We waited in a big hall.. n then we were shown inside.. to see a motherly lady.. a sister…

She beckoned to me, I went near… she held me close….n smiled….

She asked me my name, and details bout my friends…

And asked me who I liked most, My mom or Dad???

Y do adults always ask that???

That is the toughest question ever….

N I love them both equally so I said tht…

She rang a bell…another sister came in and served coffee… I was asked to go along with the sister…

We walked along the corridor n I was left at a park.. a kind of play area..

There were swings… I liked swings…

I sat on one…

The Other sister, I think she was called the Mother Superior, came along….

And asked me to come with her…to meet some other kids…so that I could play with them… well, I hoped so…

She took me to this long hall.. it looked like a dorm… on the top floor…

There were about a dozen babies there… babies as in… cradles…

Wailing ones, sleeping ones, and I saw one that smiled at me…

You know who these people are???

They are God’s children…they come here after they r born and we take care of them…

SO… where r their parents???

They don’t hav parents, baby… God is their father, mother n everything….

SO.. r these orphans???

I was 12 and old enuff to know the term… I d been told bout orphans at school…

People call them orphans… they are not orphaned… they have God to help them…take them through life…

N us to take care of them when they are kids…

I didn’t have anything to say…

She went on….

12 yrs back….

There was a tiny little girl.. in one of these cradles….

One fine day, two good hearted people came and took her away… so that they could take care of her, look after her, love her….

I was… I dunno.. I don’t have any words that could probably express what I felt at that moment…

That was you… and look how you ve grown up…You are a big girl now n these are your little brothers n sisters….

Tears welled up... my throat choked… and I had nothing to say….

I ran away from the room… into my Dad’s waiting hands…and cried….

Cried a lot….

I do not remember anything else that happened…

Until that nite…

Dad came into my room and hugged me tight…

I had not allowed anyone to come near me till then….

Do all the cousins know???

( my first question)

What baby???

Do they know I am an orphan???

You are not an orphan my child… you have me, your mother…

Don’t ever say that again….

We both cried…a lot.. n then Ma came along n hugged me tight ….

We sat that way for a long time…

I just had one thing to say…

I wish you both had been my real parents… having adopted me, you love me so much… what would it have been like if I was really your daughter????

My dad jus hugged me closer n wept his heart out…

I was quiet… very much preferring my solitary comfort for a week…

N then.. I got out of my cocoon…I learnt to smile once again…

I got back to my drawing books…

I got back to my dance lessons…

No one has ever spoken of it again…

I m an year older now…

And to tel u the truth…. I do wonder who my parents really are???

Wouldn’t everyone want to know????

What would have made my mother not want me???

She would have had her reasons, I know… I prefer not to think of them

But…

Frm tht day onwards…

I am on the look out… for whom, I do not know… where I do not know…

But I have this fear in my mind… what if the person who walks by next to me on the street is actually my mother???

The Letter - Part II

2009-09-21T12:51:00.005+05:30

This post has been written to reassure myself that I wrote the story the right way…

From HER mother’s diary…

A few days after she came back from the camp….

I don’t know whats gotten into Anu.. I m getting so so much scared… N I don’t feel like telling Sanjay… I don’t think he’s noticed any change in her…

It all started the day she got back from the camp….

Even while she was there, she called me the first day evening to tell me…that she’d met a guy… Rafiq… n he’s this… he’s that… he’s what not….

Well, Anu is a girl.. a teenager… and as far as I know, she has not been so smitten by any guy like this before… I know this because I am her mom, n I believe I know her better than anyone else, right?

Well…. I thought it was a crush, a passing phase n it would pass away…

It doesn’t seem to be the case…

She msgs him… chats with him, mails him…

N even talks to him.. the first couple of times, she told me when he called…

But I suspect, it’s a lot more than that…

I m scared… but she is my daughter….

She wil do nothing to break my heart… Will she???

No, I am sure she won’t….

And I have surely brought her up the right way… she knows her values and I know for sure, she knows where to draw the line….

I know she will be cautious… n will not make any hasty decisions…Let’s hope so anyway…

She’s my Anu.. my precious daughter… n to tel u the truth… I don’t like the idea.. of some else getting so close to her… she says… He s a great guy.. n intelligent n intellectual n funny… But…A Muslim… No, I cant allow tht, ever….

Even Sanjay is going to blame me, if he knows….

I hope she thinks with her mind n not jus follow her heart blindly when she has to take a decision….

I am going to the temple now.. to pray… for us… for my daughter…

To give her strength to face whatever she has to…

To make the right decision….

JUS so u don’ t think I am so heartless as not to see it from the guy’s view point…

Jus lets see it this way….

Rafiq was heartbroken, of course, he was…

He had just met, what he thought would be the best match for him ever…

and she dumps him… just like tht…

No, His Anu wouldnt do tht…. Unless…

Unless she has a strong enough reason….

But… I have parents too… n I m sure I can convince them… they ll think of my happiness above all….Y doesn’t she understand???

Y is she not ready to give it a chance????

I believe that if its to be, it will be… and I m still waiting.. for her to come back to me… I live in the hope tht I ll meet her again some day… n we could start over….

Oh God… and if she doesn’t, the memories will stay with me forever…

her smell.. like fresh flowers in spring.. it lingers on…

Her eyes… those sparkling diamonds… with a twinkle in them when she smiles at me….

Y did u ever have to bring us together, if this was in store for us?????

The last entry in Rafiq’s diary says this :

“When all is said and done, you are part of me. That's the way it was meant to be. People are brought together for a reason, everything happens for a reason. I believe the reason that you and me were brought together was because we complete one another. We fill in each other's missing spots with love. And if someday God decides to tear us apart, I trust that there is a reason. Cause if there is a reason for love, there is a reason for life beyond it.”

BUT ….

He ll move on…. I m sure he will… He has to… Its his life, He s a practical person and I m sure He wont waste away his life jus coz someone broke his heart….

Maybe he won’t believe in love at first ( meetings ) any more… but I m sure he will move on…

The Letter [ Part I ]

2009-09-17T10:57:00.012+05:30

A letter to someone… some one who meant a lot to her… at a certain point of her life…

She doesn’t know what he means to her now…

However hard she tries,

She cant define it…She knows a part of him still stays … deep inside her heart…like a frozen memory…

She takes care not to disturb it… once she tries to dust the old books on the topmost shelf of her heart.. (thts where all these memories lie..) memories of him lie…

If she tries to touch those… she knows what will be in store for her…

Sleepless nights… feelings of guilt , remorse… and maybe … maybe regret….

She doesn’t want that.. ever….

So she forgets… she tries her best to forget….n she moves on….

Dear …………

I met you for the first time when I was 18… well now thts not the right way to put it.. coz thts the only time we have ever met…. You were an year older, but none the wiser, I must say…

We met at a far off place… a camp… Of all the places… a camp… I still wonder sometimes … Y did God sent us both there??? Y did HE make us sit together???

Oh.. that night… I still remember it vividly… as if it was just yesterday… Me sitting beside you… we were not holding hands… but I felt closer to you … than I d ever been with anyone…

We just talked… for hours… 3 hours to be exact… and what did we talk of then… I have no idea… we talked of our lives… the past years… in 3 hours.. I felt as if I d known you for ages…

I felt happy.. happier than ever…

I felt as if I d just got a new toy… a toy I d never want to put down.. A toy I d love to play with for the rest of my life…

This was new to me… the feeling… my first encounter… with what people would call LOVE…

I did not know it was love…

I was naïve… foolish… and innocent….

I didn’t know how you felt bout me.. I didn’t feel the reason to ask.. I felt as if I could read your mind….

I loved looking into your eyes… when you talked to me…

I loved the way your eyes sparkled…looking into my eyes…

I loved the way you smiled…at me…

I loved the way we laughed together…

I loved whatever we shared…

The camp ended.. and we went off our ways…

With jus a handshake…

And a handful of memories…

But I didn’t know that they ……. Would last a lifetime…

We spoke…

( to the readers…well, lets jus assume cell phones existed then… and so did the internet… and mails…)

N got a lot more closer…

We got to know each other better….

The messages… the missed calls… the mails… the chats….

Life certainly seemed so much rosier then… I was all happy n glee…

Happy to have found a friend… a friend????

Were u merely a friend???

I do not know…

A soul mate… rather… N I got to know tht even if our lives were miles apart… even if we had a completely different circle of friends…there was absolutely nothing we had in common which could hold us together.... But.. we got along.. yes, wonderfully…

U were the first.. n mayb the only one to tel me.. Tht I made u feel complete…

U were the daring one…. Among us…

But evn u din dare to speak out the feelings.. which poked u like a needle...On those lonely nights… when evn aftr speakin for a long time, u felt like u still missed me.. I neednt say tht I felt the same.. u knew it…

We both were scared to give the feelings a name.. I for one, couldn’t even place wat they were.. I thought it was something magical.. something divine.. and I was right..to an extent…

It was magical.. it was divine… the relationship had no name….

N we din dare name it….

And then the day….

When you said.. You wished I could be yours forever…

I smiled…

And I asked you… what the hell do you mean???

"I ll be your friend for ever…You have my word"

Your answer surprised me...I thought we werent going to spoil things...I thought we had a mutual understanding... a silent pact...

If u still wanna call it Friendship, fine…

But what I feel for you is a lot more than friendship..

And u know it..

I know you can sense it…

Tell me.. Will u be mine???

Someday….

Tht did it….

The relationship progressed.. but in the reverse direction…

I began to ignore you…

I tried not to think of you..

I tried to forget you…

Well.. I tried to get over you…

It was hard… yes, it was..

But what would you know bout it???

You thought I had gotten over you.. n found someone else…

I do not blame you… ever…

I d have felt the same too….

I had tears.. tears in my eyes…

And I walked with a heavy heart…

But everytime I saw my mother…

I knew I d done the right thing…

I prayed , prayed a lot….

Those were the times I hated religion…

Coz I asked God only one little question…

Y did u hav to be born as a MUSLIM????

[ Now.. I do not want to raise any controversies… the girl in question is a well bred… Hindu girl from a conservative family… ]

Eventually, I d have to choose between my family and you..

You know I would surely choose my family….not because I love you less... but... because....

I cannot hurt them.. I really cant.. even if It means giving up the love of my life….

How much ever we say we ve progressed, How much ever we say the world has changed, we still live in a society.... I do not ever want people to say my parents didnt bring me up properly...

I do not ever want to see a drop of tear in my mother's eyes because of me...

coz then I would prove myself not worthy of becoming her daughter...

U can call me heartless… mayb I am.. but this Is what I chose…

I chose my family over you…

I know You will never read this letter…

But if in case you do…

I want you to know this…

“I miss you when something really good happens, because you are the one I want to share it with. I miss you when something is troubling me, because you are the one who understands me so well. I miss you when I laugh and cry because I know that you are the one that makes my laughter grow and my tears disappear. I miss you all the time, but I miss you most when I lay awake at night and think of all the wonderful times we spent with each other; for those were some of the best times of my life.”

Mayb a part of me is still in love with you… it will do so for ever…

Maybe I ll rot in hell for what I ve done to you…

Maybe I was being a selfish bitch…

But I did what seemed right to me….

[ To the readers, the paragraph in blocks is plagiarised... its a wonderful quote...

and well... I must ask u this... Do you think she is justified in her actions??? ]

Something Personal... Something Fictious...

2009-09-05T11:56:00.012+05:30

I do not know how many of you can comprehend this post… Well.. even if you don’t, it doesn’t matter….

It’s a confession… but the whole of it.. I cant say its true.. its partly facts n partly fiction…

But whatever I have written, has touched my heart…

Prologue :

We were friends… friends??? Friends in wat sense…

Friends in the sense tht I cud tel u anything… yes… anything and everything…

Class mates… yes, even more than that, I thought we were BEST friends...

The only person I ve truly and sincerely called a best friend in my life was you… I had friends.. yeah many…But none ever like you…

U were not like the others… U were there for me… anytime I wanted you… You offered me support, courage, confidence… strength… and a shoulder to lean on whenever I wanted to just cry out… Even though you hated it when I cry, U used to let me cry… jus let me get my feelings out… you let me shout at you… I loved u for that…you made me feel secure… I was always comfortable with you…than with anyone else…I dint even need a reason to call you…U were always available.. 24/7... for me...

Many a time I d wished You were a girl.. But now I know…. A girl could have never been the same… in fact, no one could ever have been you…

You were sarcastic.. Oh yes, U were.. Your words were dipped in sarcasm… But I got used to it.. I never minded it… and later in life, if it were missing, I used to worry…

You hated it if I adviced you… Well, u were not the Perfect guy...

I tried to tell you… I tried to make you understand… you never cared…

One day I stopped saying tht…coz I knew it was of no use

And then I wondered if I had the right to tell u all tht???

But I heeded all your words… they have always done me good… always…

I started taking your side…everywhere… I used to speak for you.... support you… your decisions…

People asked me what I saw in you???

I didn’t know…

I jus knew that you meant a lot to me…

I needed your presence in my life….to get me going…

I wanted your support… and I though I was being selfish…

Asking more from you than I actually should…

But what I didn’t know was that u needed me more….

U never told me that…

U never told me what I meant to you….

I was too late in realizing that….

Chapter 1

The day I said …

I think I m falling in love….

I should have understood…

But your voice didn’t break…

Your tone didn’t change…

Or maybe it did…

Maybe its just that I didn’t notice…

I was too busy worrying over my matters to think of how you were taking it…

U acted as if you were happy… You dint say a word…

even then…You supported my decisions.. U promised to help me out…

I was infatuated with someone… I thought it was love...

I was being foolish and you allowed me to…

…. U were hurting within.. but you didn’t let me know….

I was a fool not to see it….

Chapter 2

The day you proposed….

The day you said… U couldn’t live without me… I thought you were kidding…

I really did.. I swear… and at 18… I was naïve…or maybe I was plain stupid..

I shouted at you…

I told you… You don’t love me… You jus need me…

How could you ever say this to me???

Why are you so intent on spoiling everything???

I can never see you as a life partner….

Don’t ever say this to me again…

Was I right in doing that???

I still do not know…

The days you spent hurting after that… I didn’t know how you felt…

I didn’t bother to find out…

As far as I was concerned, I had done the right thing….

Chapter 3

I missed you.. I missed you like Hell.. But I was too chicken to admit it…

When I finally had the courage to tell you.. You said its coz I needed you….. as time moves on, I would find some one to take your place…

You were wrong….

And then I went one step further…my final step..

I said I was ready… ready for you if that’s what you wanted… I just wanted to see you happy… I said I ll live with you… But I could not bring myself to say that I was in love with you…

I liked you a lot.. I cared for you even more…

But you didn’t want that…

You said.. you will never force me to do anything I didn’t actually want…

You said.. I shouldn’t do this for you..

If I was doing something, It must be for myself…

Chapter 4

You went out of my life then…

One fine morning..

I woke up to realize

That you weren’t there anymore…

It hurt a lot then…

Hurt more than I thought It would…

It broke my heart…

But then I thought … I was jus missing a friend….

A friend… who meant a lot to me…

However hard I tried, I could not bring myself to spend a day without thinking of you…

I missed you… But I didn’t want to bother you again…I thought I would be just encouraging your feelings…and I didn’t want that… maybe coz I was scared…

I still belived that I was not in love with you.. N I never could be..

Y did I feel so??? I do not know….

Chapter 5

Years passed…..

You ask me…

What is it that I lacked that made you choose another over me????

I had no answer…. I still have none…

I want you back in my life… but as what I still do not know…

You do not tell me U love me.. But I know you love me still…

Coz the love you felt for me was true… I realize that now…

AND…

And Maybe… I did love you too…

But its too late for that now, isnt it???

Epilogue:

I realize that the tiny thread that runs between friendship and love is in fact just imaginary… You can look over it if you want…

I was stubborn… I didn’t want to see it from any other angle…

I was being selfish…

I didn’t want to lose my friend…

Maybe…

Maybe… I was waiting…

Waiting for some one better…

to come along and brighten up my life...

The Tag...

2009-09-02T16:43:00.004+05:30

Mr. Blunt Edges… Taken up the tag and completed it asap… Even though I should be busy celebrating Onam today… This would tell you how bored I am and how badly I wanted to post something.. to fight off the so-called Writer’s Block

1. Grab the book nearest to you, turn on page 18 and find line 4

The book nearest to me is HP and the Half Blood prince…I m too lazy to type the line… It’s a conversation between the Prime Minister n Fudge

2. Stretch your left arm out as far as you can & catch air?

My Immunology text - Kuby

3. What is the last thing you watched on TV?

F.R.I.E.N.D.S on Star world.. n that too yesterday evening.. I m not a big fan of TV

4. Without looking, guess what time it is?

05:00 PM

5. Now look at the clock, what is the actual time?

4:45 PM

6. With the exception of the computer, what can you hear?

My Mom watching a Mallu blockbuster being aired on TV as part of the Onam celebs

7. When did you last step outside? What were you doing?

Outside…Hmmm.. In the morning.. Played with my neighbour’s kids..

8. Before you started this Q&As, what did you look at?

I was reading BE’s tag so tht I cud copy paste the questions here…

9. What are you wearing?

My new blue chudi…

10. When did you last laugh?

Laugh… Hmmmm.. Jus a few minutes back..talkin to my Mom..

11. What is on the walls of the room you are in?

A painting and a poster… thts it…

12. Seen anything weird lately?

Weird… yeah in the mirror, when I woke up this morning…I saw my face…and after 22 years, it still strikes me as both weird and funny!!!

13. What do you think of this quiz?

Well.. to a person who was literally desperate for sumthing to write on, this tag proved to be a boon J

14. What is the last film you saw?

Angels and Demons

15. If you became a multimillionaire overnight, what would you buy?

A mall… I can do wat I like most 24/7…. Shopping J

16. Tell me something about you that I dunno!

I can tell u many things… My favorite color is blue, My fav flavour of ice cream is Butter scotch and my dream car is an Audi J

17. If you could change one thing about the world, regardless of guilt or politics, what would you do?

I wish I cud put an end to the so called recession

18. Do you like to Dance?

Yes, Yes and Yes!!!

19. Imagine your first child is a girl, what do you call her?

As per my code of ethics, I dont intend to have kid until I get married, so Hubby dear would have a say in this.. but.. hmmm… I love the name Gauri

20. Imagine your first child is a boy, what do you call him?

Sanjay

21. Would you ever consider living abroad? –

Yeah, sure.. If I get a chance…

22. What do you want GOD to say to you when you reach the pearly gates?

Come on…. You are now formally appointed as Heaven’s Official Blogger… N remember to update the Heavenly Pages daily or You will be sent back to Earth where You will have to spend your days blogging on your measely little blog, waiting expectantly for comments.. for another lifetime J

I am not tagging anyone this time… What if God decides not to take me in if I pester the other bloggers like this???

Welcoming September :)

2009-08-30T20:42:00.005+05:30

August is coming to an end... N to tel u the truth, the month was nothing less than Awesome...I had a wonderful month... Lovely days... big events... and gr8 news...

To those of u who ve read and responded to the CALL... I ve got my call.. or so it seems.. In a month or so, I may have to leave home.. in search of my destiny.. I am following my dreams... At 22, I m still a student and wil be so for the next 3 yrs or so.. :)

With August coming to an end, I am down with a bad cold and a sore throat... I m already taking pills as a precaution so tht it doesnt lead to anything else... and no, all those who already askd me n might feel like asking me, I dont hav SWINE FLU... the H1N1 has not got to me yet!!! ( all my cousin's, frendz had only this to ask when i told them I was down with a cold)...

Next... To all Malayalis out there... Wishing U all a very Happy Onam... :) I have sumthin to look forward to, this Onam with all my cousins @ home.. 3 days of sadya.. n ll be gaining calories n calories which ll take sum 2 months or so to shed, but who gives a damn... I believe curves are anyday better than a zero figure :)

I strongly belived August was going to be a good month for me.. n It worked!!!

So here's wishing for a gr8 Month.. September 09... Happy Sept everyone... Have Fun!!!

P.S : And I ve decided not to stop blogging after all.. even if no one reads or comments on my post.. I shall continue doing this.. Blogging makes me feel good and in the end, thts the only thing that matters!!! :)

Sunday Blues...

2009-08-13T00:32:00.006+05:30

Well.. the Birthday bash is over… n here I am… an year older, but none the wiser… Thank you all my friends for making my birthday special… J

Your wishes made the grief of growing older seem a little less... I had only wish… N tht was to make this year as beautiful as the others that passed by…

Here I come year 22… lets have a blast!!!

Coming to the post… I was getting bored one evening and my cell beeped… Anxiously I opened the msg to see Reliance asking me to watch a new Mallu movie n answer few dumb questions… I glanced at the day n saw that it was a SUNDAY…. Sunday??? What does Sunday mean to me nowadays??? All days are alike.. be it a weekday or a weekend…

I was reminded of my childhood… not exactly childhood..

Till a few months back.. I had this mixed feelings bout Sunday….

The mornings I wud be gleeful… happy… my afternoon siesta… but as it turned dark… I wud have Sunday blues… Everyone would know the reason.. it was the Pre Monday blues… I plainly disliked Sunday evenings…

I would be dull… and sit with a L look on my face… Not even dad’s offer to take me out would cheer me up…

When I was a kid, Sunday evenings meant the 4’o clock movie.. which ended by 6:30 and then I would take my books… to finish the weekend homework..

As I grew older, it used to be at 10 PM on Sunday when I used to call my friends, start working on my seminars, assignments and reports… N I would usually stay awake into the wee hours of the morning… trying to get that over and done with…by 8…

During my college years… yes, the whole 5 years… I do not ever remember having submitted anything on time.. I used to do everything at the last min… Procrastination was my nemesis… it is, even now…Leaving things till the last min, I do it in a jiffy.. N it turns out to be perfect just the same.. even if I had done it before time.. So what difference does it make if I Procrastinate???

I study for my exams the day before them… no, not the day.. I always learn the night before the exam.. and surprisingly do well… I learn quicker, I pay attention and I grasp all the important points enuff to scribble something for 3 hrs…

So… this post dedicated to lovely mixed Sunday evenings I detested n loved at the same time… I miss u…( nostalgic sigh!!!)

....Well, I just don't have a title...sorry...

2009-07-30T22:48:00.003+05:30

When I read these books, I thought they were the best books ever written....

No Greater Love

The Long Road Home

Zoya

Five Days in Paris(jus naming a few.... by Danielle Steel)

The Da Vinci Code and Angels & Demons By Dan Brown( I didn't like the rest as much)

Sophie's World by Jostein Gaarder( those of you who are into philosophy and have not yet read this masterpiece, its a must read... I loved it)

And yes... the HP series...whatever people say, I think J.K.Rowling has done a great job...

I also liked many books by John Grisham, Mario Puzo, Robin Cook, Jeffery Archer, Sidney Sheldon........................... and yeah the list goes on......

The thing is... from each book I ve read, I ve learnt something... a new word, a thought or an idea... which influenced my life a great deal... some in subtle ways, some bringing more... visible changes...

so maybe I can say I am indebted to these books and their authors... I started reading on my own when I was 3...yeah 3... well, they were picture books with a few lines.. n I moved on to comics, Aesop's fables, Fairy tales...wow.. I still love them.. then, Enid Blyton...Harry Potter...Richmal Crompton...

then a rapid shift to Judy Blume, Sidney Sheldon, James Hardly Chase, Archer, Hailey, Robin Cook, Luanne Rice, Jackie Collins..Nora Roberts... yeah... the list continues...

When I saw these movies I thought they were the best ever made...

Gone with the wind, Serendipity, Just Like Heaven, The Holiday.. Yeah.. I dwell on fantasy n live quite a dream filled life...so all romantic happy ending movies are a BIG yes...Typical x!

When I think of these people, I think they are the greatest who ever lived...

No, I am not talking of any world heroes or leaders... these are my heroes... my role models.. But, how much ever I try... I don't think I can be like them or find a replacement for them...

My mom, my Dad... and well, yes. I should include my whole family... and a few friends.. I specify the word few.. Coz I ve learnt that it is not having a lot of people to hang out with but having a few who care which matters... To those wonderful people who have helped me make my life seem brighter in some way or the other... made me smile... held my hand and just have been there for me.. when I needed you... I dedicate this post to you...

I don't think this is much of a post... N I ll probably discontinue blogging pretty soon... But today I felt like writing.. N here it goes....

When each year of my life passed... I thought it was the bestest year ever... What I didn't know was that the best is yet to come... With each passing year... I grew... no, not only growing up and older.. I grew wiser... stronger....

And as this 21 st year passes, I like to believe that this has the best year I ve lived so far... but I wait expectantly to see what the next year has in hold for me...

August is always the best month of the year for me... mainly because I was born in August.... and I try my best to make it a good month, a cheerful one.. a happy one... Lets see how this month goes...

Happy August everyone !!!!!

A Tag...

2009-07-15T14:20:00.010+05:30

First of all.. a 'bear hug' to Miss Gkam… who is my friend on FB… I knw her thru Fb…but she’s not my real life frnd… We bcame friends due to our common craze over certain fb games… I found tht she blogs… n tht we had many things in common, surprisingly...so Gkam.. dedicating this post to u…

N b4 u start reading.. lemme tel u sumthin.. I m very bad at maths…

Four places that I have lived in…

I have lived in many many places, thanks to my Dad’s profession… but the best among the rest….

Lucknow… I lived thr as a kid… I loved the place..

Vythiri, Wayanad whr I spent 2 yrs… the best ever… I wish I cud go back thr sumday

Calicut… Gr8 place to live in… had a wonderful time…

And I must include 2 places in the last slot… Thrissur… my maternal home…whr I spent all my vacations as a kid and Palakkad… the place I ve been for abt 7 yrs now… I din like it at first, but now its my home… I m so used to the place… I love it…

Four TV Shows I love to watch…

I m not a big fan of TV... I d rather snuggle up with a book...

Small wonder…

Full House

N FRIENDS started watchin it aftr 2 dear friends recommended it…now I love Friends..

Four places I have been on vacation…

Nepal( N I saw the Mt Everest)

Darjeeling( jus chill)

And all the metros and places… Kolkata, Chennai, Mumbai n Delhi n Hyderabad… I ve got hordes of relations everywhr…

Four favorite food items…

All the following items r to be pre-fixed with… My Mom’s

Poori n Aloo sabji – my fav skool lunch of all times

Aloo Paratha

Pickles… I go crazy over em

Four Websites I visit daily…

My blog

Google

Facebook

Yahoo

Four places I’d rather be…

On a cruise … I wanna see the whole world

Vienna… on a gondola

n…. mayb by sum beach… I love the waves lickin at my toes…

or Sumwhr Whr I can watch the sunset… preferably with sumone dear…

Four things I hope to do before I die…

Visit Paris… always been fascinated by the place… dunno y…. my dream destination… the land of romance n fashion n the Louvre …

Get married!!!

Mayb go on a world tour…

Make my mom n Dad the happiest people on earth… well, atleast make them real proud of me…

Four novels I wish I was reading for the first time…

No greater love ( Danielle Steel) n many other books by her but li’l space

Da vinci Code

Angels and Demons ( I m a huge fan of Dan Brown)

N mayb the Harry Potter series… I was fascinated by them… hmmm.. not was… am fascinated

Four movies I can watch over and over again…

Just Like Heaven

The Runaway Bride

27 Dresses

Bride wars

Li’l Manhattan

The Holiday

And… Serendipity… beautiful…

Four people I want to tag…

Hmm… my best friend Nitz… who was my frnd back whn I was 10 yrs old… I met him on orkut… n now he’s ma best online friend… my critic… my adviser…

Next in line… the Dark Knight… another childhood classmate… we r gr8 friends now… I dunno whn u wil come online again n hav time to blog… but whn u do…. Take up this tag Ams…

Miss Pyaasi Aathma… aka Miss Gayathri Vishwanathan…

N last but not the least… u dear Blunt Edges…( these 3 dots esp for u...)

Another Prome....

2009-07-10T22:25:00.008+05:30

Surprised at the response for my last post, my first Prome( all rights reserved) ... I decided to work on a new one... It might sound like sumthin u hav read sumwhr, but i assure u its sumthin i wrote.. original.. fresh frm my mind... jus put the thoughts into words....( jumbled up)...but its a prome all right... :)

I d like to take Life…

One day at a time…

Sprinkled with some sugar…

N a tiny pinch of salt…

You could add some spice…

To liven up things…

N Sometimes for reasons unknown...

It turns out to be bitter…

I d like some hope…

To see the brighter side…

N learn to wait…

For better times…

Some faith

To give me strength…

N not lose my heart…

When I fail a step…

A little love…

A little care…

To keep me going…

Through out the ride…

A drop of tear…

To wash my eyes every now n then…

So that I can view the world,

With clearer eyes…

And most importantly…

A smile…

From the people…

Who matter the most.