Saturday, September 26, 2009

Being ME

[This is a very long post....bear with me readers... But i cudnt think of splittin it... din think it wud make much sense... ]

I was barely a couple of weeks old when I was brought home… Home.. yes, it feels weird to say the word… home… home, a place where we feel we belong…

I opened my teeny tiny eyes to find many not so teeny tiny ones staring at me… they had a kinda confused look on their faces…

[ Don’t ask me how I cud remember all tht @ 14 days… This is a story n u r not supposed to ask questions… all right? ]

Some touched my cheek with little fingers… they were all kids.. my cousins…

My proud Mother had me in her lap… N I could see my Dad beaming….

I drank loadsa milk… I began to grow.. one day at a time… learning new things… watchin people… experimenting with the world around me….

I had a bunch of cousins to keep me company… 2 of them who were almost my age…

I was given a name, a beautiful one…tht one…

I was my Dad’s pet and my mom’s little baby….

I grew up.. under their vigilant eyes… their caressing hands…

I still remember the time I was sick.. down with chicken pox… OMG.. it was terrible… but I got thru… hale n hearty…

My parents have always been there for me….

I turned 10…. N then I grew on…

The year I turned 12…. One day I reach home to find my parents kinda troubled… Don ask me how I found out.. I jus knew it.. U get this feeling in ur guts….

I woke up @ nite to hear my mom cry….

I hated tht…

I hated the fact tht they were keeping a secret from me….

Was it me???

Had I done something wrong???

I askd Dad the next day while he was dressing me up for school…

No, beta.. its nothing, everything’s fine… run along, my little doll….Everything’s jus fine….

That evening I was told we were leaving for our native place that weekend… tht came as a surprise since we went there only for vacations n only if I had more than a couple of days holidays…

I never remember takin a leave for anything other than really important stuff… that being me getting really sick….

I askd Mom immediately….

Nothin dear… u got 2 days leave, ur exams r no where near…

We thought we could go n meet ur aunts n uncles n ur cousins… don’t u wanna meet them???

Yeah sure…

That night, mom did a weird thing.. I mean… while she was putting me in bed, she asked me if I would like her to tell me a story…

Okay…( she doesn’t normally do this… not since I was 8 or 9…hmmmm)

Baby, did u know tht many people do not have kids???

Kids are God’s gifts, you know… and many couples do not have children..

Yeah I know…aunt n uncle don’t, right… they always tell me.. they have me, so its okay… J

After our marriage, we did not have kids for a long, long time… n then we prayed, prayed a lot… n then God gave you…

I could sense she was breaking down.. I did not know why… mothers cry sometimes.. for reasons you never know…

What happended, ma??? R u okay???

Yeah I am….. I just wanted to tell you… we love you… we always will and nothing can ever change that…

I know tht ma… I love you too….( I hugged her tight, I held her close… I was scared… I did not know why… )

Friday came….n we set off….

On Saturday morning.. my aunt said we were going out.. jus me, my parents n aunt.. no cousins… they all suddenly had home work to do…

We went shopping… I got a brand new pink frock…and had strawberry ice cream…

And then we stopped in front of this large building….

It looked like a school… or even a hospital…

It had this big statue of Christ in front…. I prayed.. like I always did.. I was taught to respect all religions…

Why r we here???

Aunt has to see someone… come on, lets go in…

We waited in a big hall.. n then we were shown inside.. to see a motherly lady.. a sister…

She beckoned to me, I went near… she held me close….n smiled….

She asked me my name, and details bout my friends…

And asked me who I liked most, My mom or Dad???

Y do adults always ask that???

That is the toughest question ever….

N I love them both equally so I said tht…

She rang a bell…another sister came in and served coffee… I was asked to go along with the sister…

We walked along the corridor n I was left at a park.. a kind of play area..

There were swings… I liked swings…

I sat on one…

The Other sister, I think she was called the Mother Superior, came along….

And asked me to come with her…to meet some other kids…so that I could play with them… well, I hoped so…

She took me to this long hall.. it looked like a dorm… on the top floor…

There were about a dozen babies there… babies as in… cradles…

Wailing ones, sleeping ones, and I saw one that smiled at me…

You know who these people are???

They are God’s children…they come here after they r born and we take care of them…

SO… where r their parents???

They don’t hav parents, baby… God is their father, mother n everything….

SO.. r these orphans???

I was 12 and old enuff to know the term… I d been told bout orphans at school…

People call them orphans… they are not orphaned… they have God to help them…take them through life…

N us to take care of them when they are kids…

I didn’t have anything to say…

She went on….

12 yrs back….

There was a tiny little girl.. in one of these cradles….

One fine day, two good hearted people came and took her away… so that they could take care of her, look after her, love her….

I was… I dunno.. I don’t have any words that could probably express what I felt at that moment…

That was you… and look how you ve grown up…You are a big girl now n these are your little brothers n sisters….

Tears welled up... my throat choked… and I had nothing to say….

I ran away from the room… into my Dad’s waiting hands…and cried….

Cried a lot….

I do not remember anything else that happened…

Until that nite…

Dad came into my room and hugged me tight…

I had not allowed anyone to come near me till then….

Do all the cousins know???

( my first question)

What baby???

Do they know I am an orphan???

You are not an orphan my child… you have me, your mother…

Don’t ever say that again….

We both cried…a lot.. n then Ma came along n hugged me tight ….

We sat that way for a long time…

I just had one thing to say…

I wish you both had been my real parents… having adopted me, you love me so much… what would it have been like if I was really your daughter????

My dad jus hugged me closer n wept his heart out…

I was quiet… very much preferring my solitary comfort for a week…

N then.. I got out of my cocoon…I learnt to smile once again…

I got back to my drawing books…

I got back to my dance lessons…

No one has ever spoken of it again…


I m an year older now…

And to tel u the truth…. I do wonder who my parents really are???

Wouldn’t everyone want to know????

What would have made my mother not want me???

She would have had her reasons, I know… I prefer not to think of them

But…

Frm tht day onwards…

I am on the look out… for whom, I do not know… where I do not know…

But I have this fear in my mind… what if the person who walks by next to me on the street is actually my mother???


Monday, September 21, 2009

The Letter - Part II

This post has been written to reassure myself that I wrote the story the right way…

From HER mother’s diary…

A few days after she came back from the camp….

I don’t know whats gotten into Anu.. I m getting so so much scared… N I don’t feel like telling Sanjay… I don’t think he’s noticed any change in her…

It all started the day she got back from the camp….

Even while she was there, she called me the first day evening to tell me…that she’d met a guy… Rafiq… n he’s this… he’s that… he’s what not….

Well, Anu is a girl.. a teenager… and as far as I know, she has not been so smitten by any guy like this before… I know this because I am her mom, n I believe I know her better than anyone else, right?

Well…. I thought it was a crush, a passing phase n it would pass away…

It doesn’t seem to be the case…

She msgs him… chats with him, mails him…

N even talks to him.. the first couple of times, she told me when he called…

But I suspect, it’s a lot more than that…

I m scared… but she is my daughter….

She wil do nothing to break my heart… Will she???

No, I am sure she won’t….

And I have surely brought her up the right way… she knows her values and I know for sure, she knows where to draw the line….

I know she will be cautious… n will not make any hasty decisions…Let’s hope so anyway…

She’s my Anu.. my precious daughter… n to tel u the truth… I don’t like the idea.. of some else getting so close to her… she says… He s a great guy.. n intelligent n intellectual n funny… But…A Muslim… No, I cant allow tht, ever….

Even Sanjay is going to blame me, if he knows….

I hope she thinks with her mind n not jus follow her heart blindly when she has to take a decision….

I am going to the temple now.. to pray… for us… for my daughter…

To give her strength to face whatever she has to…

To make the right decision….



JUS so u don’ t think I am so heartless as not to see it from the guy’s view point…



Jus lets see it this way….


Rafiq was heartbroken, of course, he was…

He had just met, what he thought would be the best match for him ever…

and she dumps him… just like tht…

No, His Anu wouldnt do tht…. Unless…

Unless she has a strong enough reason….

But… I have parents too… n I m sure I can convince them… they ll think of my happiness above all….Y doesn’t she understand???

Y is she not ready to give it a chance????

I believe that if its to be, it will be… and I m still waiting.. for her to come back to me… I live in the hope tht I ll meet her again some day… n we could start over….

Oh God… and if she doesn’t, the memories will stay with me forever…

her smell.. like fresh flowers in spring.. it lingers on…

Her eyes… those sparkling diamonds… with a twinkle in them when she smiles at me….

Y did u ever have to bring us together, if this was in store for us?????

The last entry in Rafiq’s diary says this :

“When all is said and done, you are part of me. That's the way it was meant to be. People are brought together for a reason, everything happens for a reason. I believe the reason that you and me were brought together was because we complete one another. We fill in each other's missing spots with love. And if someday God decides to tear us apart, I trust that there is a reason. Cause if there is a reason for love, there is a reason for life beyond it.”



BUT ….

He ll move on…. I m sure he will… He has to… Its his life, He s a practical person and I m sure He wont waste away his life jus coz someone broke his heart….

Maybe he won’t believe in love at first ( meetings ) any more… but I m sure he will move on…

Thursday, September 17, 2009

The Letter [ Part I ]

A letter to someone… some one who meant a lot to her… at a certain point of her life…
She doesn’t know what he means to her now…
However hard she tries,
She cant define it…She knows a part of him still stays … deep inside her heart…like a frozen memory…
She takes care not to disturb it… once she tries to dust the old books on the topmost shelf of her heart.. (thts where all these memories lie..) memories of him lie…
If she tries to touch those… she knows what will be in store for her…
Sleepless nights… feelings of guilt , remorse… and maybe … maybe regret….
She doesn’t want that.. ever….
So she forgets… she tries her best to forget….n she moves on….


Dear …………

I met you for the first time when I was 18… well now thts not the right way to put it.. coz thts the only time we have ever met…. You were an year older, but none the wiser, I must say…
We met at a far off place… a camp… Of all the places… a camp… I still wonder sometimes … Y did God sent us both there??? Y did HE make us sit together???
Oh.. that night… I still remember it vividly… as if it was just yesterday… Me sitting beside you… we were not holding hands… but I felt closer to you … than I d ever been with anyone…
We just talked… for hours… 3 hours to be exact… and what did we talk of then… I have no idea… we talked of our lives… the past years… in 3 hours.. I felt as if I d known you for ages…
I felt happy.. happier than ever…
I felt as if I d just got a new toy… a toy I d never want to put down.. A toy I d love to play with for the rest of my life…
This was new to me… the feeling… my first encounter… with what people would call LOVE…
I did not know it was love…
I was naïve… foolish… and innocent….
I didn’t know how you felt bout me.. I didn’t feel the reason to ask.. I felt as if I could read your mind….

I loved looking into your eyes… when you talked to me…
I loved the way your eyes sparkled…looking into my eyes…
I loved the way you smiled…at me…
I loved the way we laughed together…
I loved whatever we shared…

The camp ended.. and we went off our ways…
With jus a handshake…
And a handful of memories…
But I didn’t know that they ……. Would last a lifetime…

We spoke…
( to the readers…well, lets jus assume cell phones existed then… and so did the internet… and mails…)
N got a lot more closer…
We got to know each other better….
The messages… the missed calls… the mails… the chats….

Life certainly seemed so much rosier then… I was all happy n glee…

Happy to have found a friend… a friend????
Were u merely a friend???
I do not know…
A soul mate… rather… N I got to know tht even if our lives were miles apart… even if we had a completely different circle of friends…there was absolutely nothing we had in common which could hold us together.... But.. we got along.. yes, wonderfully…

U were the first.. n mayb the only one to tel me.. Tht I made u feel complete…
U were the daring one…. Among us…
But evn u din dare to speak out the feelings.. which poked u like a needle...On those lonely nights… when evn aftr speakin for a long time, u felt like u still missed me.. I neednt say tht I felt the same.. u knew it…

We both were scared to give the feelings a name.. I for one, couldn’t even place wat they were.. I thought it was something magical.. something divine.. and I was right..to an extent…

It was magical.. it was divine… the relationship had no name….
N we din dare name it….


And then the day….
When you said.. You wished I could be yours forever…

I smiled…

And I asked you… what the hell do you mean???
"I ll be your friend for ever…You have my word"

Your answer surprised me...I thought we werent going to spoil things...I thought we had a mutual understanding... a silent pact...

If u still wanna call it Friendship, fine…
But what I feel for you is a lot more than friendship..
And u know it..
I know you can sense it…
Tell me.. Will u be mine???
Someday….
Tht did it….


The relationship progressed.. but in the reverse direction…
I began to ignore you…
I tried not to think of you..
I tried to forget you…
Well.. I tried to get over you…
It was hard… yes, it was..


But what would you know bout it???
You thought I had gotten over you.. n found someone else…
I do not blame you… ever…
I d have felt the same too….


I had tears.. tears in my eyes…
And I walked with a heavy heart…

But everytime I saw my mother…
I knew I d done the right thing…

I prayed , prayed a lot….
Those were the times I hated religion…
Coz I asked God only one little question…
Y did u hav to be born as a MUSLIM????
[ Now.. I do not want to raise any controversies… the girl in question is a well bred… Hindu girl from a conservative family… ]
Eventually, I d have to choose between my family and you..
You know I would surely choose my family….not because I love you less... but... because....

I cannot hurt them.. I really cant.. even if It means giving up the love of my life….

How much ever we say we ve progressed, How much ever we say the world has changed, we still live in a society.... I do not ever want people to say my parents didnt bring me up properly...
I do not ever want to see a drop of tear in my mother's eyes because of me...
coz then I would prove myself not worthy of becoming her daughter...

U can call me heartless… mayb I am.. but this Is what I chose…
I chose my family over you…


I know You will never read this letter…
But if in case you do…
I want you to know this…

I miss you when something really good happens, because you are the one I want to share it with. I miss you when something is troubling me, because you are the one who understands me so well. I miss you when I laugh and cry because I know that you are the one that makes my laughter grow and my tears disappear. I miss you all the time, but I miss you most when I lay awake at night and think of all the wonderful times we spent with each other; for those were some of the best times of my life.”

Mayb a part of me is still in love with you… it will do so for ever…
Maybe I ll rot in hell for what I ve done to you…
Maybe I was being a selfish bitch…
But I did what seemed right to me….

[ To the readers, the paragraph in blocks is plagiarised... its a wonderful quote...

and well... I must ask u this... Do you think she is justified in her actions??? ]

Saturday, September 5, 2009

Something Personal... Something Fictious...

I do not know how many of you can comprehend this post… Well.. even if you don’t, it doesn’t matter….


It’s a confession… but the whole of it.. I cant say its true.. its partly facts n partly fiction…

But whatever I have written, has touched my heart…


Prologue :


We were friends… friends??? Friends in wat sense…

Friends in the sense tht I cud tel u anything… yes… anything and everything…

Class mates… yes, even more than that, I thought we were BEST friends...

The only person I ve truly and sincerely called a best friend in my life was you… I had friends.. yeah many…But none ever like you…

U were not like the others… U were there for me… anytime I wanted you… You offered me support, courage, confidence… strength… and a shoulder to lean on whenever I wanted to just cry out… Even though you hated it when I cry, U used to let me cry… jus let me get my feelings out… you let me shout at you… I loved u for that…you made me feel secure… I was always comfortable with you…than with anyone else…I dint even need a reason to call you…U were always available.. 24/7... for me...


Many a time I d wished You were a girl.. But now I know…. A girl could have never been the same… in fact, no one could ever have been you…

You were sarcastic.. Oh yes, U were.. Your words were dipped in sarcasm… But I got used to it.. I never minded it… and later in life, if it were missing, I used to worry…

You hated it if I adviced you… Well, u were not the Perfect guy...

I tried to tell you… I tried to make you understand… you never cared…

One day I stopped saying tht…coz I knew it was of no use

And then I wondered if I had the right to tell u all tht???

But I heeded all your words… they have always done me good… always…

I started taking your side…everywhere… I used to speak for you.... support you… your decisions…

People asked me what I saw in you???

I didn’t know…

I jus knew that you meant a lot to me…


I needed your presence in my life….to get me going…

I wanted your support… and I though I was being selfish…

Asking more from you than I actually should…


But what I didn’t know was that u needed me more….

U never told me that…

U never told me what I meant to you….

I was too late in realizing that….


Chapter 1


The day I said …

I think I m falling in love….


I should have understood…


But your voice didn’t break…

Your tone didn’t change…

Or maybe it did…

Maybe its just that I didn’t notice…

I was too busy worrying over my matters to think of how you were taking it…


U acted as if you were happy… You dint say a word…

even then…You supported my decisions.. U promised to help me out…


I was infatuated with someone… I thought it was love...

I was being foolish and you allowed me to…


…. U were hurting within.. but you didn’t let me know….

I was a fool not to see it….


Chapter 2


The day you proposed….


The day you said… U couldn’t live without me… I thought you were kidding…

I really did.. I swear… and at 18… I was naïve…or maybe I was plain stupid..


I shouted at you…

I told you… You don’t love me… You jus need me…

How could you ever say this to me???

Why are you so intent on spoiling everything???

I can never see you as a life partner….

Don’t ever say this to me again…


Was I right in doing that???

I still do not know…

The days you spent hurting after that… I didn’t know how you felt…

I didn’t bother to find out…

As far as I was concerned, I had done the right thing….


Chapter 3


I missed you.. I missed you like Hell.. But I was too chicken to admit it…

When I finally had the courage to tell you.. You said its coz I needed you….. as time moves on, I would find some one to take your place…

You were wrong….

And then I went one step further…my final step..

I said I was ready… ready for you if that’s what you wanted… I just wanted to see you happy… I said I ll live with you… But I could not bring myself to say that I was in love with you…

I liked you a lot.. I cared for you even more…


But you didn’t want that…

You said.. you will never force me to do anything I didn’t actually want…

You said.. I shouldn’t do this for you..

If I was doing something, It must be for myself…


Chapter 4


You went out of my life then…

One fine morning..

I woke up to realize

That you weren’t there anymore…

It hurt a lot then…

Hurt more than I thought It would…


It broke my heart…

But then I thought … I was jus missing a friend….

A friend… who meant a lot to me…

However hard I tried, I could not bring myself to spend a day without thinking of you…

I missed you… But I didn’t want to bother you again…I thought I would be just encouraging your feelings…and I didn’t want that… maybe coz I was scared…


I still belived that I was not in love with you.. N I never could be..

Y did I feel so??? I do not know….


Chapter 5


Years passed…..

You ask me…

What is it that I lacked that made you choose another over me????

I had no answer…. I still have none…

I want you back in my life… but as what I still do not know…

You do not tell me U love me.. But I know you love me still…

Coz the love you felt for me was true… I realize that now…


AND…

And Maybe… I did love you too…


But its too late for that now, isnt it???


Epilogue:


I realize that the tiny thread that runs between friendship and love is in fact just imaginary… You can look over it if you want…

I was stubborn… I didn’t want to see it from any other angle…

I was being selfish…

I didn’t want to lose my friend…


OR

Maybe…


Maybe… I was waiting…

Waiting for some one better…


to come along and brighten up my life...